My Media

tm wif momo

2008-05-01T22:32:00.003+08:00

shopping wif momo after sleepin in till almost 2pm. it was food... food... dresses... bras... food again and loads loads of other rubbish. kehehehhe... my sis startin to hate me for tat now. lol! at least it was a dae well spent rather than broodin at home tryin to solve all the rubbish tats cloudin my mind.

distance ... sasi and naf

2008-04-30T23:54:00.000+08:00

*late nite partyin wif the gerls*
cityhall on monday and weds. by now i bet everyone will noe why it's my fav hangout even when i'm all by myself. 400grams of famous amos plus gifts for those leaving and candy eye spotting (heheheh) plus shopping. sad to giv the free cone dae a miss but the queue was juz uber long. nah i can afford one aniwae. haiz... am still considerin the offer now and i feel so lonely lately. partly coz am distancin myself from everyone. i juz dun wan another worthless sacrifice to be made. felt like i trusted the wrong person and am suffering now. forgive, forget and move one nadzi! these ppl dun worth a damn thing to u.

resignation letter

2008-04-25T22:16:00.000+08:00

3 resignation letters in a dae brought a pretty big impact on the company indeed. felt like i had to leave but i'm undertermined. the grass is greener on the other side i admit but then again, i've called tis place home and it's where i excel best in almost every area. should i or should i not? rani has always been nice to me but not really tat nice to others i admit. wasn't supposed to dissapoint her. God i need my free time as well as i luv tis job. am at the crossroads tis time both the paths wif it's own roadblocks. a big decision ahead. aniwaez... daddy thx for the new phone. sasi thx for j-co and the 7 donuts each. lol!

met up wif ramesh and dad

2008-04-24T22:11:00.000+08:00

from 22nd to 24th
muggin for exams. wif rubbish on my desktop, notes scattered everywhere on the bed and food wrappers overfilling the rubbish bin in my room. I HATE EXAMS!
and rite after the exams, dinner wif usha, sasi, ramesh and their dad. lol! uncle is one cartoon lah. but it's real fun and i miss the atmosphere where i got to eat wif daddy. haiz... the drive home was great too. hehehhe... mouth zipped and no secrets to be unveiled.

lufti is cute

2008-04-21T00:25:00.000+08:00

it was cityhall wif naf. but before tat we had dinner at abc market. stopped at the wrong bus stop and so we had to walk backwards. but indeed it was a blessin in disguise. she noes and remembered miss N on our wae to cityhall. lol! wat a small world and yes miss N is one hell of a whore i shall say. shoppin was gd as usual but i was only window shoppin. and naf is so kuku lah. see cute numboy go ask question. can i apply for a job here? wakakakka. there's a reason why it's named new urban male. but nv the less at least she got to chat wif tat cute guy. kehehehehe... and a lil bit of a flu coz we smelled too much perfume. sad tat jco donuts closed early but nvm. maybe it's a sign for us to loose weight.

assgn not completed

2008-04-19T00:00:00.000+08:00

a hectic dae rushin thru stupig assgn. but tis is life. there's nth tat comes wo you rushin abt. plus i hav work todae too. aiyoh! double the push. came like an hr late but i am excusable. khehehhe... bro i owe u loads k.

lava cake

2008-04-18T23:55:00.000+08:00

happy friendship dae to those reading! met up wif crysi dear for dinner at eunos hawker ctr. the mutton chop was not bad but the service was. and off to rejuvenate cafe for some dessert. some lava cake (where they've decrease the portion of choc) and a hotplate brownie wif ice cream. taste wise... i shall say it has met the swensens standard. service wise is frendly. and off for a lil shoppin in tat area before makin our wae home. and miss karthik kuntut... thx for remindin me of tat name we used to call u. hehehehe... and u'r so smart not to play tat april fool joke on me.

brani

2008-04-17T23:54:00.000+08:00

it was 11pm. my bro and me were in the pantry instead of finishin up our work, eating. brani tat is. lol! thx for free dinner bro!

micro mini test

2008-04-15T23:54:00.002+08:00

it was a 67mins meeting. pretty entertaining but very draggy and time consuming. had someone to record it but if i were to publish it on my blog, those readin might juz start snoring. working attitude, teamwork, respect, attendance, suggestions and blah blah blah... the usual agenda! but the main attraction of the day was tat someone i'm close to has juz changed so much. God noes wats happenin but nah... move on nadzi! it's time to expand yr social circle a bit wider. am supposed to be doin my assgn and studyin for exams and here i am frendster-in, blog-in, facebook-in and game-in. lol! the IN things for me rite now.

cream cheese!

2008-04-13T22:51:00.000+08:00

secret recipe after work. a brownie, a slice of cake and curry puff. so much of somebody tinkin it's whipped cream all these while. eh brother! it's cream cheese lah. lol! u finally enjoyed the taste of cheese unknowingly.

khai on cleo!

2008-04-12T23:18:00.000+08:00

hate to talk abt work on a sat therefore shall talk abt my outing wif crysi as usual on a sat evenin. met up at tampines and my poor gerl was on mc for like 5 days coz i met her on the 6th day and she refuses to say she's on mc for the dae. lol! she ain't workin on weekends anywae. delifrance for dinner and sadly they closed the other outlet at century sq. and she as usual not finishin up her meal and so i ended up clearin on her behalf. shoppin again and yes bought here and there and dearie thansi so much for the pressie and maybe yr bdae i'll buy u a fake CK watch k? keheheheh.. am decidin between tat fossil and BCBG watch. hhmmm...but for now it's savin up time! and i hate readin tis mth's CLEO. go figure it out yrself the reason why. no offence to the editorial team but it's abt someone! -_-"

ecp + cityhall

2008-04-10T23:22:00.000+08:00

wanted to upload photos but am juz too lazy to do so. well... it's on my frendster anywae. a dae well spent i shall say. from someone supposedly wakin up at 8 to meetin at 1 (partly my fault. my clock doesn't match anyone's.) straight to ECP, munchin on a bar of choc. and started our dae of feastin wif gelare's mini feast sundae. 8 scoops of ice cream wif fruit salad and topped wif OREO's. woots! it was refreshing! burnt part of those calories by cycling for almost 2 hours. started off wif a bleeper but went ok thenafter. coconut juice, watchin the planes take off and land, jellyfish spottin from bedok jetty and juz enjoyin the breeze and scenery. it's juz so relaxing and different from other typical week days. and the feasting continued wif chicken rice set meal + extra rice, tau suan and dumplings at Banquet. wif legs still wobbly and a wantin to shop ard PP, we head straight to cityhall area (partly bcoz we needed the air con on a rainy dae and juz cushy seats to rest our jacked asses. lol!) NUM as usual but sadly the top wif the maths tutor headin didn't come in Sasi's size. kehehehhe... someone there was cute but it's a big nono nadzi! u'r still recoverin from the last setback. satay was the best way to end the day. someone ordered only 10 pieces initially but topped another 10. lol! we'r feedin the ulat gong-gongs in our tummies lah brother. it's sad tat someone cldn't topped all these up wif either a max brenett or a J-CO. his tummy was obviously givin up already. i won again tis time rnd! cld be the last of such outing but i do hope to hav another one of such wif any of my buddies some time after the exam.

definitely maybe

2008-04-05T22:09:00.000+08:00

an evenin out wif my dearie gerl as usual for a sat. first up was gelare and shoppin thou someone juz came back from bangkok (wif all the spa and gd food and cheap bargains!) so jealous now! then leap years went thru her mind. unfortunately it wasn't available at tat time we were there. settled for definitely maybe instead. pretty sweet, funny and heartbreaking. the lil gerl's really an inspiration and a somehow expected twist of fate at the end. and then it was back to food again. tis time it's smt to do wif vadei coz my runny eggs from ya kun wasn't available after 10. and home sweet home on a cab where crysi actually left her hot vadei inside and i had to tell the driver to make a u-turn. damn cartoon lah tis dearie!

SATAY!

2008-04-04T01:05:00.000+08:00

imagine cravin for satay and gd food at 10pm while at work. tats wat me and my makan kaki were actually ooglin abt. as expected we left early coz our hunger pangs were juz so bad tat we cldn't concentrate anymore. (but since when did we ever concentrate after draftin our resignation letter happily?) instead of all the good food, settled for MACS coz it was already 11 when we arrived at outram. how sad but it's still food anywae. any food is as glorious as those highly craved and rated for. lol!

maktok's bdae

2008-04-01T22:01:00.001+08:00

it's granny's b'dae and i'm missing it! stupig work! i LUV my maktok!!! and plus eejit assgn has to be completed by tmr. tis module is really gettin on my nerves!
ps - happy april fool's day anyway. too old for a nasty prank. finally realised tat age's catching up on me.

donuts madness

2008-03-31T21:56:00.001+08:00

imagine carrying 3 boxes of J-CO donuts and wearing heels on a hot sunny day. tats wat i crazily did today. but for a good sake. it's eswari's bdae + few of my part time colleagues were leaving. gd deed appreciated and we all had gd fun wif donuts. too bad for those tat luv TO TALK BEHIND MY BACK. ain't a piece left of u. =p

met khai!

2008-03-30T23:43:00.000+08:00

an evening out wif nurain rite after work. from dinner at sakura (wic i dun tink i'll go to anymore coz am not a fan of asian food too), to meetin tis few guys tat were askin for my no and turnin to the front to look at the traffic light but saw tat NUM guy instead wif his gerl. aaarrggghhhh!!! only God noes how badly i wanted to stab myself and then movin off to raffles city and citylink. not much of a damage (keheheheheh, a pair of shoes doesn't hurt rite?). haizzz.... i dun get it why i'm gettin attention from ppl tat i'm not expectin from. keep tellin myself to look forward. kak yus has really been a really help to me. true wat u said, i deserve much more than one cld ever giv. only the best for the tip top condition me. nth's gonna come in my way now. make room for Miss BITCH who's suddenly woken up once more from the sweet gerl nx door dreams. up...up...and away...

another failed module

2008-03-28T10:34:00.003+08:00

am back at the edge of the cliff. i wanna giv up living. everythin's juz not goin rite for me. dunnoe why God gav me such a difficult situation to get thru. nothing's workin out at home, work's killing me, skul's not flowing out rite and my personal life juz sux big time. why can't i juz enjoy life like any other average ppl? i grew up without my parents by my side, skul was where i found joy in both frends and achievements but tat didn't last for long. am no longer achieving anythin rite now. i used to luv my job where i cld continuously excel and climb up the ladder but now when i'm somewhere near the top, i suddenly turn back to see tat i've lost my freedom. nth's working out.
aaarrrggghhh!!! no scream of mine cld turn back time to correct the situation. am tired, drained physically and mentally. it's only a matter of time before i jump off the cliff.
Oh Lord... stop tormenting me like the way it is rite now. i no longer hav the strength to carry on living. I seek Your blessings and guidance. take me out of this darkness and show me back to the path of life.

goodbye khai

2008-03-25T12:04:00.003+08:00

daze and shattered, now it hurts. ripped apart and speechless. all i cld do is watch and cry. giving it up for good. let it be the very last time i'll go thru this. if only... haiz. sasi thx so much. am tryin to pull myself together. i'll be pretty fragile for a few daes more. no point overdosin on my pills. lets make do wif the situation and thank God for smackin the truth rite to my face. underestimation was the root to all the problems. concentratin on work and skul. if rani wans me to take on the supervisor role then be it. perfection i shall aim for. need to work on my grades too. a credit pass is as good as nth. come on nadzi... focus and work towards yr distinction. God put u thru alot of hell to make u realize tat some things in life are juz not meant to be for u. yr frends are all u've got now. cherish every moment spent wif them. yr family's yr past. they're no longer there when u needed them the most. stop cryin and start life on a different note.
*dreams are still only dreams*

teardrops on my guitar

2008-03-10T23:12:00.003+08:00

tears are streaming down my cheeks now for so many reasons. sasi thx loads, i'm happy to noe how far u'r willin to go juz for me but at the same time, accidentally, an old wound bleeds again. the few years back for as if it's yst when my heart was shattered into pieces, my mind muddled and soul ripped apart. i fell and i got up even stronger but wif a heart tat cld nv find some of its missing pieces. i'm still scared. scared if i'll fall and nv want to get up again. he maybe everythin i ever wanted but i dare not take a step further from where i stand now...

crysi and $520 more. wat am i doin?

2008-02-27T12:45:00.003+08:00

was there ever a time when u feel like you cld hav achieved more if you had made changes to certain aspect of yr life? haizz....
had a great evenin yst wif sasi and naf first eatin laksa and shoppin at anchorpt. seriously things there are cheap! then meetin usha and nesh for some ice cream and pasta at ECP. gerl thansi loads for tat pressie. it's real touchin and seriously i dunnoe wat else to say. shall find time to hang it on the wall along wif all the other hangable prezzies. but the part i enjoy most is sittin in my bedroom and tinkin of all the wonderful things i hav achieved so far. things tat brought joy and tears to my life. seriously... to hell wif wat other ppl wanna tink and say coz i noe wat i wan and i dun live life for other ppl. i live for myself and those tat care and luv me. no point suitin yrself to other ppl's likin and regrettin it in the end. tats wat makes you unique.
ps - crysi congrats loads loads! alwaz believe tat u'll make it thru =)

khai only works once a week

2008-02-25T00:28:00.003+08:00

am hitting the sack in 10mins or so. but really i hav to thk sasi for a great dae of 14 donuts and 2 cups of iced lemon tea at J.CO, some flirting at newurbanmale (tis is the part i luv most, thou tat guy wasn't there. gosh! how much i missed him but i shall juz shun tat thot aside for who am i to love) and a lil bit of shopping. haizzz.... nth cld keep tis sadness contained. i'm real tired and scared of luv. i dun wanna be hurt again therefore i prefer to keep my distance from very attractive men. God noes why the cupid keeps standin beside me todae. for every man tat passes by me nv missed to look and smile even those huggin their gfs. lol! sasi thx for noticin tat. God giv me strength. i was nv born for luv and hav alwaz live life in loneliness. if my life is meant to be tis wae then i shall accept it wif bitterness and courage...

stupig naf

2008-02-22T14:24:00.004+08:00

A joint decision needs to be made soon, and they are leaning in the direction opposite yours.
Duhz...
Should hav listened to the evil voice inside of me. ppl alwaz misunderstand me for my harsh actions. they nv knew how much i've stood up for them even when it meant losing the trust of others. maybe one dae, i shld bring them to one of the meetings wif my OM. maybe then they'll noe how much i've actually sacrificed to get tis high and to save their bloody asses. to someone out there... in case u nv knew, ppl alwaz complain tat i gav too much face to my frends at work. and guess wat? tat got me into hot soup wif the upperhands. did i get u into trouble? no! i infact saved yr ass by takin all the blame and keepin it to myself. i NEVER overuse my authority, in fact i under use it juz like our supervisor tats why we alwaz end up cleanin everyone's asses by takin the blame and wat do we get in return? rude, ungrateful ppl who take things for granted and best of all rebels. a prudent decision made indeed! maybe next time before u accuse me of my baseless comments, you shld examine yrself. worst than a supervisor i shall say, come in as and when u like, at yr own time, used to take long breaks, yakking like it's a fish market and the list goes on. who's the one tat ans for all tat? me! not u! i used to keep quiet abt all these matters till one of yr good colleague complained to the OM abt wat special treatments u received from me. there's a reason why i'm up here and tat very reason is bcoz i noe how to defend and carry myself well. our dept wld hav to meet other depts needs if not for me. ask yr supervisor how much face he's given to everyone. ask him why those under probation period are still not perm staff after 3mths. ask him abt all the bad things the OM said abt u tat he kept to himself. to hell wif wat ppl wanna tink abt me. my job is to turn the whole dept ard and get it back runnin like in those daes before u guys were here. those ppl were nv spoonfed and they autopilot without fear and still succeeded even without the higher authorities telling them off. well then, do u see the big difference. haiz... some things are getting out of my control. am stepping in to grab sense of the situation and puttin a twist to everythin. juz pray tat my stars are shinin down on me coz the upperhands are all on my side. juz need to pluck up the courage to improve the situation. hate me more if u wan coz i need no man's sympathy to stand up and smile. i am myself and not like any others as they say one man's meat is another man's poison. so why do i hav to accomodate to the needs of everyone? anybody accomodating to mine?

missin khai

2008-02-16T23:06:00.001+08:00

[reportin back to reality]

16th feb
took the dae off and was supposed to go cyclin but ended up watchin P.S.ILuvYou. cried God noes how many times durin the movie coz it's juz so touchin. but not exactly like the wae it was written by my favorite author. seriously it's a movie not to be missed. listen to wat they said carefully. cried before comin meetin crysi too coz my fav tee and shorts are missin! from tampines to orchard where we had dinner at ramen ten and gelare wif chris too. and shoppin again wif crysi! guys thansi loads for the dae of fun and gd food. nx time cyclin k? need to shed those ice cream. keheheheh....
15th feb
J.CO wif fidah and nadia. I LUV DONUTS! can't wait to head there again
14th feb
V-dae was ahem ahem. secret and shall not be revealed but usha thks for mr. teh tarik thenafter.
12th feb
happy 22nd my dear gerl. thk God u made it tis far. lol! the multiple b'dae bashes were great. luv every single one of u who made my big dae. from those tat cooked, sang, danced. embarrased, camwhore, dined to those smses, emails and tag of well wishes. cheers to our frendship and the many better years ahead *muakz muakz* did smt to my hair too as planned!
9th feb
work ended early so went vivo wif sasi for lunch cum dinner. from banquet to secret recipe our fav cakehouse. woots* boy i like standin there watchin the sun sets wif u. it's juz so relaxin and nth beats our let it all out session.
8th feb
changi airport wif crysi. wat we were doin there? starin at cute ang mohs and cute chics. lol! studyin actually and wat better wae to end the dae then shoppin at TM?
chinese new year eve
a bit of lows and highs. missed the movie timing for sweeney todd therefore went for lunch at delifrance wif sasi. announcement x2! i bought myself a new birki todae. kehehehehhe.... suddenly found myself attracted to the birki shop and the next thing i noe, i was payin for a pair. lol! it's so nice to hav many frends who really cld pick me up as and when needed. work todae was super relaxin and the short chat wif mr. sensitive was pretty much unexpected but nah.... at least i did some catchin up and it's abt time i actually stop ignorin him. seriously it's not tat i dun wan u ard but i no longer noe wat love actually is. reunion dinner ain't tat bad too.

study nadzi!

2008-02-03T22:56:00.000+08:00

God.. my head's spinnin, my tummy's doin some dance, i feel like vomittin and i'm startin to bleed again. really not in tip top state again. hope it wun be another repeat of last year's 21st. wat i did todae is the most amazin thing one cld do to pass a test; i was watchin tv and irritatin everyone at home instead of revision. why? bcoz i'm not feelin well and nth much gets into the head. sad to say all my favorite shows last episodes are todae and all involvin a death. haizzz... wic reminds me, was watchin 27 dresses yst wif crystal and wat touches me the most was the trailer of ps i luv u. my fav book. it moved me to tears. gosh.... i can't wait to catch tat wif crystal soon. but 27 dresses itself was hilarious and sweet! shoppin wif crystal has alwaz been gd and so was swensens. hahahkzzz.... an order wif no butterscotch huh?! so clever someone... and yes i've decided to defer my transfer for some unforseen circumstances but watever it is, it's wat had been affectin my peace for the past 3 mths.
i hate to say tis again and again but i juz can't stand ppl usin me to get wat they wan. do i look like someone who can be taken for granted? ppl who noes me jolly well wld hav found out tat i'm not one u can toy ard wif. when u need me u look for me and when u dun u leave me for someone else. watever! i dun need a frend like u. i've loads of others who wld stay by my side no matter what. go look after yr bf needs rather than mine. he's the one u wld run to when he hurts u rite? lol!
am still tinkin bout tat topshop bag and also the fossil watch. hhhmmmmmm..... proper finance management nadzi! yr bank acc's burnin fast as usual.

love is all i need

2008-01-28T09:57:00.000+08:00

i'm wide awake now thou the heart feels so heavy and the body juz wanna giv in. decisions are made and tats a whole load of problems off my shoulder. for now i juz hav to pray, be patient, wait and see the outcomes. frankly speakin after all the bdae plans, i dun feel like celebratin anymore. i juz wanna seek solitude in God, find tat 1 luv tat can bring joy to my heart and calm my troubled soul. remind myself *am goin there on my own expenses. parents CANNOT, i repeat CANNOT get involved in one way or another* am tired of some fickle minded ppl who juz can't make up their decisions. haizzz... and my prayers goes out to a pitiful colleague of mine who lost her baby boy. God bless her wif strength and love. ariff do sms me on the dates tat u'r free for a bdae outin k? missin u dearly.

took urgent leave todae

2008-01-16T17:16:00.000+08:00

there's so many ppl i wanna talk to rite now but i guess they're juz unavailable at the moment. haizzz... decisions to be made, flowin in like it's the last dae of my life. havin a paper tmr and work isn't tat good either. ppl juz keeps takin mc especially tat fat bitch. to hell wif her tats wat i can say. the meetings wif crystal do take my mind off things. everyone by now will noe i luv dining out and shopping and movie-ing. shall continue all tis after the exam. first up my b'dae gathering. am yet to decide anythin but will think of smt along the way. and a few more days before i submit the application to crawley campus. still contemplating thou for there loads of pros and cons to weight. dunnoe wat else to say but one thing's for sure... i hav to get back to studyin now!

failed 4 modules

2007-12-25T23:42:00.000+08:00

everything's juz screwed up and it's not tat easy to clean up the mess. badly holdin back the tears and at times i juz feel like there isn't a need for my existance. haizz.... plez plez dun cry and be strong nadzi. i really juz wanna close my eyes and take myself to a better place

sad lonely world

2007-12-24T00:11:00.000+08:00

am a lil disappointed and frustrated wif myself. i may hav achieved wat i've dreamed of but at the same time i've lost the true meanin of joy and luv. seriously i juz wanna dress up and hav fun without anyone commentin on it, i juz wanna eat and live life to the max without havin to face the consequences in the later daes. gosh! i HATE my life and i hate who i hav become. i hate most of the ppl ard me to for they expect me to plez them and me only gettin hurt in return. the pain keeps burnin within. trust no one daddy says well hell him. i trust him no more. he's no longer there for me and everythin he was is now gone. being at home only kills my soul further. being wif my so called family brings more sadness and arguments then joy. seekin peace is no where at home. it's time i stood up for wat i believe and continue achievin and fulfillin my dreams. no one ever said tat life was easy rite? tears and torments will be conquered. no one will hear me scream nor see me cry other than the Lord Himself. for todae i pray for strength to guide me in the darkness of tis nite and health to keep alive and kickin to enjoy the fruit of my success.
Dear Lord,
bless those ppl who hav been so kind to pick me up from tis fallen state i've landed myself in. protect them like how You protect yr angels. Love them everlastingly and most graciously bring happiness to every actions and decisions they hav. Amen...

spa and khai

2007-12-23T01:38:00.000+08:00

a lil short update since my disappearance:

shopping as usual for christmas and parties especially. keep gettin better at tis thou at times i end up shoppin all by myself (but who cares rite? as long as i'm happy. i live for myself man!)

dining at countless places. where there's gd food, there's alwaz me aitez =)

batam spa trip wif usha. God it was real gd! can't wait for the nx visit. it's a full body spa mind u and i miss the wonderful donuts there too. 12 pieces for less than $10. where cld u get such in sgp? shoppin was extremely cheap too. and i luv the ferry rides.

was down at city hall area on the 15th and well well i met him again! gosh... the last time rnd was in january and he's juz as charmin as beforelah. and smarty pants nadz cld only manage a smile and missin him thenafter. lol! and if u'r wonderin who, it's of course tat newurbanmale guy. i noe his name but i refuse to mention it for i believe a good lookin guy like him wld be attached. haiz... max brenett wif usha and chipmunks after tat wif some smart boy who tricked me into believin it was golden compass. wic part of golden compass had cute lil voices singin bad day at the start?

her royal highness nafeesah's ball. shall say it was one tat made me luff till the tummy hurts badly. sadly i wasn't really dressed for the occassion coz i was comin from work.

missed 2 weddings coz i had no frends to attend it wif. haiz... sad but nah i'm not tat needed for the weddin to proceed rite?
mid sem exam where i was 25 mins late. dun ask me why ok.
Hari raya Haji without daddy's side was more than joyous. it was laughter, gd food, great company
was addicted to enchanted so much tat i ended up humming the song for a week. wakakkaka... watch some more magical movies lah sasi. see now wat happened to us.

met up wif nick

2007-11-28T00:56:00.000+08:00

Gosh.... meetin up wif nicholas actually brings back so much of rp memories. i miss them badly. the ppl, the environment, the pbl system, the 10mins bus trip to orchard rd. i juz wanna go back to those daes when i was carefree and foolish. i dun mind climbing up tat slope again or walkin from the twin tower to strathmore blks. it's so much better than takin up responsibilities and havin yr freedom capped into a bottle. can't wait for a gatherin especially of former @LOUD members. wakakakka.... we'll luff our hearts out when those moments where we used to quarrel abt petty things resurfaced. i miss my usha luv too and her chandini. kk.... need to buck up but at the same time enjoy life to the max. tired but nv givin up. *muakz muakz*

stupig rommel

2007-11-25T01:53:00.000+08:00

wanted to juz hide tis post but i guess it's better to juz let it all out.

i dun understand why some men are literally so 'cheap'. married wif kids but still goin out wif other women. best part, these women know abt the men's status. gosh! isn't there any other man in tis world? i badly wanted to smacked his freakin face. kissin, rubbin me all over and tinkin tat he cld work his fingers all over my body. wat do u take me for? and excuse me, u'r not one gd lookin guy trust me. u look more like some cannot make it apek ( no offence to some ppl out there) serve u freakin rite tat u got yrself into tis mess. yr wife's at yr nerves rite now isn't it? she has found out the truth? tats juz pay back for callin us loose hole. we gerls noe where we stand and we ain't juz lettin any men in. if u tink u can get us anytime u wan, then tink again. weigh the consequences. u jolly well noe tat i'm a whistle blower and u can juz loose yr pr status in sgp. tink real hard and smart u stupig cow!

vivo wif 3 16s

2007-11-25T01:41:00.001+08:00

am back. back to where i belong. 3 weeeks of sorting things out and i feel a load of my shoulder now. startin lesson in the crawley campus on the 28th of july (mummy's bdae), a pay rise (and i can't wait for the bonus too), in and out wif sasi again (stardust was real gd, so were the christmas decorations along orchard rd, not forgetting secret recipe's cakes), deepavali in jb wif my uncle side was one to be remembered, vivo-ing wif the sweet 16 gerls was fun, loads of wedding cards on the table, laptop finally back from servicing.
to cut short... it has been 3 weeks of utter rubbish craziness and tiredness.

he's not the one

2007-11-04T19:01:00.000+08:00

Gosh...
am so pissed wif the on and off fever and migranes. not forgettin the vomittin sessions. dunnoe why my appetite's goin high and low. the body's juz not in the tip top status.
hav finally gotten some ans. not gonna get a dept transfer anytime soon for my current dept's facin some manpower probs. the company really needs loads of polishin and gettin rid of the rotten apples. am tired of workin like a slave but i can't bear to see my bro clearin up other ppl's shit himself. the transfer to aussie is still a lil bit messy due to my maths result. fuckin module man! but yah, if it doesn't goes well.... i'll still be in sgp then and closer to my luvlies. and for tat particular him, suddenly found myself out of luv again. maybe i'm too stressed and tired wif life. he doesn't meet all my requirements but still he's one sweet honest guy. really dun wanna break his heart, therefore juz gonna play safe.
haven been out wif sasi tat much, partly coz he's preparin for deepavali and we both preparin for exams. missin our good food cum sharin stories sessions. but met up wif royston last fri. he's still the same i shall say. dinner at secret recipe was good and so was the lil book shoppin session. so other than work, school and the occasional partyin and shoppin, i'm still the lonely sick and borin gerl. *sobs sobs* i need ariff and my hot cuppa choc on one of the rainy daes

off todae

2007-10-16T15:26:00.000+08:00

tagboard's gone if u've realized. not tat much of a taggin been takin place, mostly coz everyone's busy and tats understood. nobody's really got time till they've accomplished wat they've lived for and till they set themselves to freedom. till then brace thru watever life may bring.

wat i'm doin todae?

hav taken the day off and am supposed to be studyin but here i am paintin my nails, readin my carmen reid's books, watchin tv.... lol! am down wif high fever and the nose and throat keeps gettin blocked by all these phlegm.

how was my hari raya?

nth unusual i guess. nv liked tis celebration tat much. but surprisingly, despite workin rite now, i still had my chance of collection. nearing $200 actually. lol! the big gerl still goin ard doin collection. and as everyone expected, am yet to talk to daddy's side. still playin safe wif mummy's side of the family. so yah, it was juz a one dae thing coz the rest of the daes i'm workin and juz can't be bothered to do visitin

for the past few daes?

hav been out and abt wif sasi. heheheh... shoppin and dining. our favorite pastimes it seems. other than tat i hav been busy at work and enjoyin the mini celebrations wic included david's b'dae.

wat i really wanna do rite now?

hav fun in the spa and to hear his voice.

i wanna hear from wan

2007-10-10T23:35:00.001+08:00

an endless wait and i noe he still wun call. an empty soul and i noe there's still nth to fill it in.
felt like screamin my lungs out but it's juz a waste of time. there's juz too many things in life tat i've missed and are missin of. maybe it's the nv rest on yr laurels thingee tats makin my heart aches so much. haizzz... learn to be grateful u slug!

wan changed

2007-10-09T13:39:00.000+08:00

lost among the crowd i am. a crowd tat only bow to boot licking 'dwellings'. am one step closer to yet another breakdown. the loneliness inside is killin me. she's not there for me like how she used to be. ariff... owe u to the max for those short sweet smses. they keep me alive and moving, stoppin these tears. sasi thks loads too for all the dinner and window shoppin sessions. tats wat frends are for afterall. keepin my fingers crossed for tat successful transfer and somehow feelin a sense of regret after askin for a dept transfer. gosh... these are the times when i need my gerls the most.

rubbish

2007-10-03T01:09:00.000+08:00

aaarrgggghhhhh!!! can't believe it. it's already the 2nd dae of october and am still in a big mess. i hav less than a 3 weeks to do watever is needed to be done. my mid sem exam is somewhere rnd the corner, so is borin hari raya. still waitin for a few words of assurance from a few ppl. haizzz... tired of waitin and runnin ard. i need to sit, relax and be free to do watever i wan to. unfortunately, tat'll only happen if i marry a super rich man. lol! *slaps my face and still not wakin up*
had loads of fun last sat coz it was vivo again wif sasi. tis time rnd we had dinner at fig & olive. pretty expensive dinner i shall say, double checkin the bill. God noes wat hungry ghosts we both were. and yes yes, we were off shoppin after tat. ooOOOoooo.... so fun and i wanna head back there to get tat esprit handbag or shall i get the aldo one? haizz.... nvm nvm shall hav a second look at both before decidin. missin my dear but there's smt in me tats juz givin the vibes tat he's not the one. God hav mercy on me and enlighten my path.

can't wait to hav more fun

2007-09-24T01:10:00.000+08:00

as everyone wld hav expected, i did a lil bit too much shopping. kehehehehe.... typical me isn't it?
19th and 20th
the 2 daes work leave for my exams were indeed worthwhile. did a lil bit of shoppin, updatin here and there, cleaning up and of course... STUDYING! the paper itself was much of a breeze (coz there wasn't any chlamydia family names like microb exam). after wic me and usha headed to tekkha as usual, tis time rnd wif nesh and shorty joinin us.
21st
back to work and boy oh boy i do miss a few ppl there thou it was juz a short 2 daes off
22nd
work was a breeze. headed to vivo thenafter. it was one of those let-all-loose-daes and i really enjoyed it. hav to thank sasi loads for the great time spent. from dinner-in at swensens (God noes how high we went after all the chocs, not forgettin the most embarrasin moments) Toys R Us after tat. hehehehe... had so much fun wif the toys and was really wishin i was 5 once more. never the less we bought our 'dream cars'.
23rd
instead of settlin in my nest, went out to timezone (PP) wif mok to play 'expensive' games. shall spare no details on tis one. and shoppin as usual thou i noe my pocket's burnin like crazy.

guilty conscious

2007-09-17T21:33:00.000+08:00

told myself umpteen times, walk on without turnin back to ponder wat had happened all these while. and i was juz too stubborn to listen to my self conscious. haizz.... guilt burnin within me. but like wat they alwaz say, dun cry over spilt milk. missing life and how carefree i used to be.

luvin wan even more each dae

2007-09-16T23:46:00.000+08:00

stuck in between myself, him and her. ain't a nice game to play but am alwaz the in between. again and again i've been misjudging ppl. not bcoz i wan to but tats the wae it has been for the past few days. *slaps my face and woke up startled*
am goin from bad to worst. can't help lookin at all the nice things.... shoes, tops, good food. lol! it's good tat i'm workin. it keeps me away from these shops for i either start work before the shops open or finish late when all the shops would hav closed. but my weekends are an exception. and sadly my 1st dae of fastin started todae. so much of all 1st dae of ramadhan excitement. ain't tat much talkin goin on between me and all the hers yet. but then again, i'm not in the wrong. maybe these ppl need me to whisper into their ears tat i nv did started all these arguments and hello hello nv make use of ppl; especially when tat someone is me. am a diff breed. get tat fact stuck into yr head stupigs!
and the practical exam went fine. thk God no screwin up tis time rnd and the graph did come out linear as it was supposed to. finally got my mooncake from swensens. average tastin, the skin's a bit too sweet compared to the ice cream filling. shall try more...
can't stop listenin to when you're gone. maybe coz my dear luvs the song so much and he sang the whole song on the phone. lol! missin his calls too, but yah patience nadz!
and to my dear royston... if u're readin tis, am so sorry bout yst. lol! forgot all abt the meet up till arifufu reminded me of it. will promise to make up for it yah =)

nv mix wif malays

2007-09-09T21:56:00.000+08:00

all the pain, feelin of being used, being left out.
haiz...maybe it's juz comin to the time of the mth.
told myself tat i am nv useless for i've at least made it somewhere near my dreams. all those useless bitchin abt me from some ppl ain't bitin into me for who the hell they tink they are? i see them as losers juz like wat daddy alwaz describe these ppl from the lower social class. aitez... hav to agree on tat stand daddy made. wat's worst, these ppl actually adorn the headscarf. so much abt followin God's teachin and yet not knowin how to avoid wat He dislikes most. commentless!
yes i do admit tat i've changed, but i change to adapt, not for someone. nor do i change to blend wif the rest. i was nv one of the gerls and nv will be. i stand out among the rest and shall continue provin tat fact to everyone ard me. there are times when i feel restless and like everythin's in a mess. it's obvious tat there's loads to be sorted out in my life. shall do some self reflection and continuously improve myself to a suitable liking not to anyone's.
am filled wif excitement abt the upcomin fastin mth. while the rest are waitin for hari raya, i'm hopin tat fastin mth lasted a lifetime. it's a mth filled wif loads of reflection for my past actions whether good or bad, a mth where i see more goodness being carried out, a mth where i stand strong wif the Islamic teachings.
God... tonite i pray for the best outcomes of my every actions and also decisions. same goes for each and everyone of my frends. i dun condemn their bad actions, in fact i do pray for You to show them some guidance. there isn't any use of grudges and revenge, in fact it's a lesson learnt. God, do protect us from any harm and bring us towards better daes and more success.
From You i came from, to You i shall return...

lies will get you no where

2007-09-09T00:28:00.000+08:00

blogging once more...
should start by reminding everyone how much i hate betrayers, ppl bitching behind my back, ppl who dun stick to their promises and ppl who juz refuse to listen.
it's a tuff life rite now, especially when wat you do dun reflect who you are. hav to thank shikin loads for all the advises. will stand strong by you too gerl! wrong decisions gettin into my wae once more, but the tears hav stopped for there's no use cryin over spilt milk. standing strong once more and keep tellin myself tat i hav dreams and promises to fulfill. my dearies will noe for sure how fragile tis heart is but like wat they alwaz tell me, i hav to move on. missin them super loads especially my cut short angels and arifufu. *slaps my cheeks and remind myself abt the use of technology like smsing. lol!* but on top of all these, i feel a whole load of burden off my shoulder. once again, muz keep remindin myself nv once again to become the middle party again. like wat sasi said, words changes from one mouth to another. but thk God everyone realizes their own mistakes and apologize for it. but it's obvious tat things between the 6 of us will nv be the same again... haiz, in life we hav to forgive, forget and move on...

i need more than juz 24hrs a dae

2007-07-26T15:58:00.000+08:00

Opps... a tad too long since i last updated my entries. pretty busy lately wif:

2 upcoming exams on the 27th july and 2nd aug
unpacking in the new house (will spare the details for now)
shoppin wif my god-sis Yani and my fav aunt
trainin new staffs wic includes 3 of my classmates; usha, sasi and naf (all of whom are workin wif me in the same lab now)
continuosly workin overtime
settlin matters of the heart (especially the issue wif my parents)
and loads of accessories tasks

shall update more soon (i dunnoe when to be exact)...

am startin to miss wan

2007-06-24T01:04:00.000+08:00

funny...strange...lost...terrified...lonely...angry...and so much more
tell me tat everything's gonna be ok. i dun wanna end up cryin again. yes prince charming has finally come to take me away. but there's too many to choose from. i dunnoe wic is the one made for me. and besides i'm really findin time for everythin. luv has come but i dunnoe if it's the rite one.
and well... as everyone noes i alwaz screw up my microb lab sessions. am really workin my ass. and yes tis shifting of the house suddenly makes me so somebody else. i juz dun wanna leave tis place. too many tat i held on to in tis house. God make me strong. am at the crossroads once again. and yes wun be at the shiftin-of-the-house-ceremony for there're loads tat i dunnoe wanna see. so yah shall happily go for work thou it's my day off.
can i pretend tat nth has happened when everythin's in front of me is juz movin too fast? haiz...

superbly tired

2007-06-17T22:47:00.000+08:00

it has been a havoc week for me.

studying for the bloody exam
3 hrs of slp per nite
fever + sore throat + migranes + runny nose
endless work till 11+ (including the dae when i took the bus down to outram station only to be shown the station closed sign)
missed usha's 21st party, attended the neighbour's farewell party instead
more than one love knocking on my door. juz hopin tat wat ariff said is true. let all these be juz a fling.
sickening new staffs wic i hav to train
bits of shoppin juz to meet my basic needs (trust me everythin total up to be more than $2000)
new module has started and there's only 15 of us in the class out of which i noe none. lol! i'm an advanced year 2 student.
went for prata after the exam at adam road wif sasi, usha and naf.
chalet wif my mummy's side. crazy nite spendin a whole big room wif 7 kiddos. ghost stories, laughters, screams. gosh!!!

happen to hav pix here and there but am juz too lazy to upload them. will do so when i'm finally back to myself. miss some luvlies out there. sendin u guys hugs and kisses instead...

i miss the old dzul

2007-06-01T00:13:00.000+08:00

fridae
tired!!! dead tired. juz imagine havin thousands of samples to sort. finished work at 10+. pissed wif daddy. he's juz not in his state of mind again. no wonder nth's ever rite at home. but get tis rite... i'll bring up my sisters the wae tat i brought myself up. i wan none of them to follow in either yrs nor mummy's footsteps, leading to the path of self destruction. wat kind of parents are you to not be there for the child during their growing up years and troubling their lives thereafter...

thursdae
yeah right a holiday it is. having to do my assignment in the wee hours. slept for less than 4 hrs. at 7+ headed to the new house to further decide on the renovation. went back home thenafter tinkin tat i cld get a wink, but hello hello... the 3 kiddos are at home. wat can you expect? so had lunch wif them. baked potatoes wif tuna salad. and went out again to meet tis someone who has changed so much. yes there were loads we talked abt but wat pained me most was seein you reduced to tat state. call me a busybody or anythin else but i care for all my frends. always prayin for the best out of them. 13th july, the date i shall keep in mind. really miss the old you. and usha love... thansi so much for comforting me. the tears came suddenly, maybe coz i was too tired and i had not much time for myself. I think someone left me in the lost and found section

wednesday
found out bout the luv in the office story. lol! hav to thk kak yani for tat. not shockin since i already sensed it since the start. but yah, it's another rejection for i'm juz too busy. not willing to accept another bloodsucker in my life. my 5 Cs muz come first after my education tat is. but yah, i'm sorry. i noe am pretty rude not to giv u a chance but it's like i'm busy 7 days a week. i can't commit to too many now. but they say, true love is forever and if you're destined than nth will come in your wae.

sunday
woke up late + went for class wif usha + crappy moments wif naf, derrick and usha + shopping in tampines (dun ask wat was bought) + loads of catching up at BK (including the wisdom tooth long story, lol!) + watched surprise fireworks from mrt station.

dzul?

2007-05-26T22:36:00.000+08:00

Saturday
i sense luv comin my wae again. tis time rnd it's someone from my workplace. it's not tat i dun wanna entertain such but i'm too busy wif skul, work, home and my own frends. there's too much for me to hold on to now. he's a wonderful guy i shall say. but luv can wait. my dreams hav to be fulfilled first. only God can stop me now. i've gone too far to stop and juz pretend nth happened. and btw... my shoppin period has started once again. and i went a lil too far by buyin 6 headbands at one shot. -_-"

Fridae
wanted to hide it from the whole world but nah... let it all out. was tinkin of him since mornin and really wanted to hear him talkin to me again when suddenly he called me on my wae back from work claimin to be a courts spokeman some more. wakakakka.... had a great luff thou it did startled me a lil. they say, there's balance between the good and bad, wat more happiness and sorrows. i'm glad God had brought me and him together, for i wld hav missed tis fun if He hadn't. missin the good old times.

Thursday
by now, i tink ppl ard me wld hav known how i've been playin my game all these while. it ain't my fault when i've done smt bad juz to protect my own interest. it's selfish but it's my life. nobody's ought to make any decisions for me. i've never been controlled in my whole life. come wat may...

Wednesday
luv my job thou it's a lil tirin. gd trainin ground and the guys, especially the chinese ones are so hot. wakakakak! but it's still too early to judge the situation, it's juz the first dae man. but shall hold on strong till april nx year.

got a job!

2007-05-22T15:05:00.000+08:00

*woohhooooo* ~swooping ard the room, dancing, singing (more like screaming) and smiling from ear to ear~ heheheheh... got a job as a laboratory assistant. nv fail to secure a job at the first and only interview for the 3rd time rnd. starting tmr. the timing is pretty flexible. at times i start work in the mornin at times at 12, 1 or even 2pm. as for tmr, it's 1pm. the place is like 5mins away from my campus. so it's a super ok thing for me. and daddy has given the green light to MIGRATE to aussie alone. I luv daddy so much for tat. it took a burden off my mind man. it was juz a 5mins talk and he juz said 'go on... it's yr life afterall. do wat u tink will fulfill yr dreams'
enuff said abt tat, now i need to do a thorough financial plannin and set my priorities rite. if everythin goes well, i'll join either the april or july cohort in perth nx year. and and daddy also said tat he MAY buy me a car there too. yeah!!! one by one my plans are settling into place. it's tears of joy for now but tat doesn't mean i can take a break yet. i still hav my distinctions or even higher distinctions to work my ass for. and the shiftin of the house -_-"

God... i really appreciate wat you've blessed me wif all these while. thou the ranting and hatred every now and then but it's alwaz the happy occassions tat make me turn to you even more than ever.
...from You i came from, to You i shall return...

findin a wae back into luv

2007-05-21T04:57:00.000+08:00

there's no use of me gettin all tensed up. it's not the first time i felt tat i've been used. giving out too much and not gettin the same degree in return, wat more appreciated. it's a norm for us to make mistakes but it's nv a norm for us to forget wat good others has brought upon our life. it's smt call ungrateful! and forgivin one too much may cause tat person to take control of our life. keep remindin myself forgive, forget and move on. let go of things at the right time. well... it's one too many times now, time to break thru and set myself free again. gonna hurt and feel a lil lonely at first but will breeze thru it once i keep myself busy.

even the best falls down sometimes
even the wrong words seem to rhyme
out of the doubt tat feels yr mind
somehow find you and i collide

quick dip

2007-05-18T21:11:00.000+08:00

Fridae (May 18)
did a bit of travellin ard wif usha lookin for copthorne hotel then serene centre. lol! remember tis, it's b4 adam rd and along jln bukit timah. heheheheh.... God noes how many u turns we had to make. the grocery shoppin was fun. they had loads of gd hard to find food stuffs at tat centre. the whole array of hersheys and cheese and our fav avocados. treated ourselves to packets of mixed nuts, strawberry sundae and chocolates. mind you tats all i had for the dae. am havin eatin disorder and strange dreams of someone. juz prayin hard tat he's all fine.

Wednesday (May 16)
The test was so sucky! tis is the thing abt statistic, you dunnoe wic question u shld calculate out the ans and wic question you can juz explain the ans. but its over and done wif. nx test not too far away too. so try harder nadzi! and am startin to loose weight maybe due to the reason tat the heart ain't doin too well. irregular heartbeats every now and then.

Saturday (May 12)
attended class alone again today but nah... i've got simon to entertain me. it's fun learning wif him coz he's those blur blur smart and humorous chap. plus i had the internet to entertain me as i did calmaeth. wanted to call crysi out but decided not to disturb her weekend. so ended doin a lil shoppin alone.

Friday (May 11)
Mummy was in a state of shock when she saw my new hairdo. kept shoutin 'wat happen?' keheheheh... the typical nadzi!

pretty bored todae but yah... i hav loads of homework on the table waitin to be done. plus.... books to read like carmen reid 3 in a bed and shopaholic and baby. lol! my sis bought 2 new books to read. spent the afternoon in holland V wif usha and sean. shoppin, dinin and admirin cute ang mohs. wakakakak... and sean's doggie was so cute and very obedient, tats why i cldn't help but to pat it.

Thursday (May 10)
private spa wif usha and sajini. hehehehhe.... no comments, but all i can say i felt real gd after tat. my feet and face especially felt like it juz went for a skin renewal. muakz muakz usha!

Sunday (May 6)
made pizzas!

a lil smt from my room before the days in tis house ends...

i miss joe

2007-05-04T01:35:00.000+08:00

seven years ago, there was tis weddin. nv knew of his existence back then. till our eyes met a couple of times. smiles exchanged. and u noe wat was the stupidest thing we nv did? we nv spoke to each other at all for tat 4 hours. and yes in fact we met again at another weddin juz last year. our eyes met again. shy glances and cheeks blushin and he was brave enuff to say hi. i on the other hand spoilt it by juz smillin and walkin awae! how dumb cld i get? gosh!!! actually not dumb, i juz get a bit too tensed up near guys i dun really noe. be it my classmates, somebody's brother or my frend's frend. nadzi... change!!! no harm tryin again rite? but when will the chance ever come again? haiz... prayin tat the nx time rnd wun be a lil too late.
speak of wic, it's better to play ard wif more than juz one frend. not gonna mention names for i dun wanna spark any feuds or grudges and if u'r tinkin u'r the person, then u'r wrong coz tat person doesn't read blogs. lol! as they say some frends juz cannot be trusted. wat to do then?
ana dear... thansi so much for informin me abt aliz's weddin. we were the ones hot plannin our weddin together and here is our quiet and humorous frend gettin married first. liz sweetie... if u're readin tis, hav a blissful marriage and be patient wif any obstacles tat may come yr wae.

chem 1104 over!

2007-04-28T02:32:00.000+08:00

End of chem 1104 exam. paper was pretty.... errrmmmm.... no comments! rating is passable, almost there for distinction but faraway from higher distinction. another mission unaccomplished. haiz...
tmr's in fact in a few hours, it's the start of stats module. i hate maths but i really do hope tat i'll find the light at the end of the tunnel for tis module. usha dear will be out of sgp till nx weds. so yah miss-all-by-herself-again for the nx few daes. but when she returns, it's the start of a new chapter of fun. shall keep it a top secret from our mummies and daddies.
spent the mornin at usha's place, eatin aloo prata and last minute double checkin of chem notes. and after the exam, we went straight to tekkha. mustafa centre for some shoppin then off for midnight supper at tat shop opp mustafa. forgot wat's the name already but it starts wif B.
and i've finally found my spot in the kitchen. it's alwaz indian dishes tat i'll cooked. from thosai, dhal, kheema, puri, masala potato and loads more. lol!
mummy says its either
a) too much indian blood in u
b) too much of usha or
c) an indian bf on the wae.
wrong mummy, it's d) i prefer chinese food but i dunnoe how to cook them. hehehehhee....
pizza for tmr and am yet to do the base. everybody can jolly w8 for a late lunch then.

~God... I pray for You to guide me to improve myself even more. help me make the right decisions at the right time and show me the path to where my aspirations will be for real. teach me to be grateful wif watever i already hav and be humble at all times. From You I came, to You I shall return~

Note ~ update picture slideshow

too many aspirations unachieved

2007-04-23T00:37:00.000+08:00

my blog's pretty dead lately coz am real tired and juz too many to-dos. my exam's tis fridae, shiftin to the new place by july 8th, hav to get the contractors to do my walk in wardrobe by june latest, buy new items for the room, not forgettin the june babies, and another exam in june, packin not wholly completed and etc..etc... Lord!
the past week taught me not to trust some ppl and not to depend too much on some either. expect nth, live frugally on surprises. things changed from time to time, what more ppl rite? if they keep blowin their chances, then juz move on. leave them in yr past and set new future goals. my fav line: forgive, forget and move on... get over and done wif them!
only ppl who've been completely drained wld noe wat it meant to be dead tired physically and mentally. no point sittin down and cryin, instead keep up wif the pace and weep silently. i'll make do wif watever i hav for now. be prepared to face the emotional twist in my life coz i ain't copin well yet i refused to be helped. i juz need motivation to continue.
arifufu... thansi so much! nv expected u to be the one to be there for me everytime when i needed a listenin ear and a shoulder to cry on. u noe me best dear!

sha said she changed and i haven't

2007-04-17T00:09:00.000+08:00

Am still feeling pretty low maybe due to loneliness tats surroundin me and the stress of life. dropped by usha's place after lab last sat. the 3hr chat was one filled wif so many sorrows, dreams to die for and the uncertain future mistakes we might chance upon. tears, laughters, minutes of silence. i really liked diggin into all the drawers in yr room especially the jewellery section. lol! the tryouts... but the best plan we made was to fly over to aussie and study there then continue life there. startin a new leaf, wif no past mistakes to haunt you, nobody tat u noe tryin to correct smt tat made u so angry and so much more. we shld start life there after uni gerl. it won't be a smooth start but you noe how we alwaz get thru all these crisis together rite? i'm real tired of ppl givin me reasons and tryin to make up for wat took them so long to apologize for. a whole list of things i wanna buy and i hav to but before tat i wanna find tis song first. it's so me now...

Keane - Everybody's Changing

You say you wonder your own land
But when I think about it I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes cause everybody's changing
And I don't know why.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same.

You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same.

Ooo…
Everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same.

i'm scared

2007-04-11T14:55:00.000+08:00

it's ard 2 weeks to my exam and i'm already feelin the heat. am gonna be done wif revision by tonite but tat goes without memorisin. gosh!!! i'm tired... but no choice, things you do for a distinction yah. continuos episodes of strange dreams affectin me every single nites now. seriously, i'm sometimes scared to sleep. sometimes its a dream too wonderful to be real sometimes its a nitemare tat'll wake me up in tears. it's a mix of my past, ppl who i've not met for long and also ppl i nv met in my life before. not forgettin tat some are of my marriage life. God... wat's the message here? the best dream is one when all the chemistry notes juz keeps being repeated over and over again. lol! i'm goin crazy maybe. have not been havin such a gd appetite. not eatin well enuff and very weight conscious now. am emotionally unstable too and accordin to my horoscope (wic btw i'm not supposed to belive in), tis temperament will prolong till mid of tis mth. pity usha dear for havin to put up wif all these ugly foul words comin out of my mouth. and tis new house renovation is also buggin me quite a bit. i'm lost among the colours and wide selection of designs. there's a strong lure somewhere deep in me signallin me not to move in to the new house. haiz... and surprisingly, i'm still shakin legs at home instead of out there working. -_-" i need to run away from everythin for a short time period. short term entertainment to set the adrenalin runnin.
to the cute guy who was in black and sittin on the train towards pasir ris yst, you're very cute. wakakakak... opps i'm really goin crazy!

i dunnoe where to go

2007-04-10T11:47:00.000+08:00

keep tellin myself tat assholes do exist on tis surface of the earth. wished i cld screamed my lungs out but why bother wastin my energy on assholes rite?
but nv the less, i spent sleepless nites cryin my heart out. the eyes are all swollen now. heart all shattered now. loneliness screamin even louder now. nth beats tis horrible feelin than hell. i can't find the strength to push myself thru tis darkness. why? why has tis gotta alwaz happen to me? i dun understand God and will nv understand Him. it hurts so much rite now. my dreams are still not real... where's my mummy when i needed her the most? how come daddy alwaz disappears everytime problems surface? i dun need anybody and i dun wan anybody near me rite now. i juz wanna run and disappear till everythin's all rite.

All this ambiguity is starting to seem a bit deceitful

quick recap

2007-04-08T13:59:00.000+08:00

A quick update on the busy yesterdays...

7th April ~ Sajini's and mok mok's b'dae. an either or decision, so went for sajini's party instead of my sis's. lol! a mini shoppin spree wif usha dear at tekkha rite after class and before the party. a hectic dae it was. gerl... i dunnoe why i juz broke down so suddenly. am real sorry but really thks for everythin. *muakz*

an old skul car parked rite beside usha dear's car. wanted to juz jump in like those american movies but unfortunately we noe nuts abt startin the engine without keys. lol!

1st April ~ granny dear's b'dae. a small cake and self made cupcakes for her. praying tat she's alwaz in the safe hands of God and blessed wif happiness on each and every single second of her life...

cookin at usha's

2007-03-23T23:34:00.000+08:00

lunch at usha's

a mornin walk down to usha's place for wic i ended up in the bed wif her till 11+. singin, tale sharin, puttin on mascara and eyeliner and lunch plannin. fun part comes when we hav to prepare our own lunch. it's a dun-ask-abt-the-ingredients concept cookin. thk God our tummies were fine then after.

mushroom and corn masala

veg and fruit salad

bake potato and cheese

masala wrap

sadly, my 4 frends didn't attend class tat evenin and therefore i was left all alone. to worsen things, i saw 2 gund gunds on my way to school. it breaks my heart and i felt betrayed. but they're my past, no use holdin a grudge against them. usha and bro... thx so much for consoling me. it's true tat they're not worth my tears.
and here's a lil smt from the ah beng side of my lecturer, 6 mins before class and he wanted everyone to move forward...

in search of luv

2007-03-21T00:39:00.000+08:00

everybody's tellin me to find a job, but do i look like i care? more like i haven't been searchin hard enough. why you ask me? 'cause i've been watchin too much of whatever's on cable. from prison break to desperate housewives to amarte asi to datin diaries to ugly betty and the list goes on... tats not the only wae i pass my time at home. i read watever tat my hand comes into contact wif, wic includes my chemistry lecture notes. once u start, u'll get the hang of it. i've stopped packin partly bcoz the shiftin in wun be till july due to some renovation here and there. wic reminds me... i am yet to order my bed! and and my walk in wardrobe. am choosin between sweet lilac or fresh green or turquoise for the wall. but deep down in my heart, only God noes how complicated and fragile my feelings are rite now. everything's gonna and gotta change and tat includes me. if puttin on weight was wat i did for the past 3 mths, now it's time to lose it. if spendin extravagantly was wat i did in the past, now its time to top it up. and so on... life's juz gotta move on rite?

i saw dzul

2007-03-13T22:53:00.000+08:00

My phone's dead! to buy a new one or to repair it? haizzz...
juz got back home from my soon to be home. the surroundin's not bad. it's an executive mansionatte on the ground floor wif a park at the back and carpark at the doorsteps. thk God it's not a malay populated area. the family juz dun gum wif the malays tat much so the area is pretty suitable. well... as you can see, i'm 3/4 decided to stay wif the family after loads of persuasion. it's not tat i'm fickle but i juz dun wanna hav the feelin tat i'm being used. off to pasir ris in less than 3 mths. am pretty sad to leave tis area thou, it's a million and one memories.
to my ex dearest, tis area was our luv nest. we'r leavin each other and also wat was ours. you've found miss rite... wif all my blessings, marry her.
speakin of wic, there's tis fling thingofmagic takin place rite before my very eyes. he drives a 2 seater mercs, chinese and well built. we exchange smiles every now and then and those eyes juz look so good when they look straight back into my eyes. i juz can't sleep at nite tinkin of him. but... i dun wanna rush into things. hehehehhe....

ubin and vivocity

2007-03-12T23:36:00.000+08:00

it was ubin for last sundae wif mummy's side excludin mummy herself. started the dae at 5+am, took an hour bus trip down to the changi ferry terminal (wic i tink i'll frequent more often coz the policemen on guard there is so cute!) bumpy bumboat ride was continued wif ass achin $3 per day bicycle pedaling. cycled thru the whole island and there's tis particular road tat's surrounded by dilapidated empty houses. didn't realize it till we came to a dead end. all the laughings sure did vanish the eerie feelings away. stopped at noordin campsite for home packed lunch cooked by aunt norah and nv did we forget for a few rounds of uno. *winks* came home burnt and whole body achin, but seriously i enjoyed it. sadly we only managed to spot the footsteps of the wild boar, no real sightings.

the jolok for yrself cocoa fruit

spot the water lilies?

preparin for uno rite after lunch

and finally the trip back to the main island

2007-03-10T20:44:00.000+08:00

skul's finally started! i luv it when i leave home for a good purpose. the class's pretty much filled wif newbies, wif vanessa wan and luqman joinin our group. tat guy who luvs to stare at me is still in the same class and so is his gd frend the mucus boy. dr. brian's still our lecturer. a tougher chem module than the previous one, but its' a no choice kinda situation.
usha and me made our wae to vivocity after class. after tourin the whole area, we realized tat there's no delifrance there! so off to fig and olive instead. the food was good! and my dear usha cldn't stop starin at the cute manager, while i was continuosly waitin in vain for the cute guy tat served me to reappear and smile at me. he looks like khai! keheheheh... suddenly i forgot tat i was supposed to look for a well to do guy. lol! ate like we haven't been eatin for the past whole week. juz imagine every bit of the sauce being licked off and costin almost $40 for 2 gerls meals!

pink guava juice
blackcurrant ice fruit tea
figo melba ice cream
creme chicken mushroom spaghetti
potato and cheese
garden sprouts mushroom sandwich

my fav...

after wic, followed usha to tat $2 shop at the top level to buy boxes to organize her stuffs and gerl, we shall head back there when it's my turn to do my room yah...

i'm movin forward and leavin the family behind

2007-03-09T12:37:00.000+08:00

After all the searching for a new place together wif my parents, i'm somewhat deciding between shiftin into the new home wif the whole family or renting a room somewhere else by myself. the reason being that i no longer feel the need to live wif the so called family anymore. it's obvious that i'm no longer needed here and even more obvious that nobody wants me around. only God knows how it feels to be here in this so called home. sometimes i hate myself for being born, sometimes i hate myself for who i hav become and sometimes i juz hate myself for no reason. i shall juz sit and watch how everybody gets everythin runnin in tis house without me lendin a hand. i'm so tired of tryin to fix everythin rite and in the end there are no thank you's or help in return. instead, bloody complaints flood in.
tomorrow shall be the start of a new story. school's finally kickin in with brain wreckin chemistry first and on sunday, if all's well... ubin it shall be wif my fav aunts and uncles. to hell whether my family's taggin along or not, most prob we'll end up squabblin.

dreams of khai

2007-03-07T13:17:00.000+08:00

Am tired of goin ard the east side lookin for a place to shift into. all the houses tat we went had big rooms but the prob was tat there were only 3 bedrooms, wic meant tat the old hag has no room for herself. fuck her lah! and still got the cheat to complain abt tis to her other bloody children who juz refused to look after her but luv to comment loads on the wae we treat her. fuck all tis ppl! i no longer declare them as part of the extended family. i can't stand it when my parents quarrel over tat old hag and daddy's bloody side. ruthless barbarians indeed!
at least watching the pursuit of happyness with usha dear yesterday really put myself into a better world. one filled wif luv and care. the movie's good and usha dear... do i hear more movies? yes sure i dun mind. anythin as long as i dun hav to stick at home and listen to idiots babble.
life's pretty borin rite now for almost all my close frends are busy workin while i am still lazyin at home. and my dearest arifufu is in taiwan for trainin. haiz... lonely, i'm so lonely.
i've been havin strange dreams of someone too. it's freaky but i miss tat someone. usha, we shall find tis person together yah. ok am goin back to job and house hunting. pretty sucky but tats wat i hav to do. no more packin till nx week when the kiddos are home for the holiday. an even suckier week ahead!

hapus aku

2007-03-01T18:47:00.000+08:00

Hapus Aku
by Nidji

Translation...
Devastate me

Write down all the sadness, all that you can't speak of
And we shall talk, listen to my heart
Get rid of all the poems between us
You killed him, something I called love
God Reassure me that he isn't mine, let time devastate me
God make me realize that he isn't mine, let time devastate me
Write down all the sadness, all that you can't halt
And we shall talk, listen to my soul

how come i am alwaz down wif fever?

2007-02-27T17:02:00.000+08:00

They say when you're sad, you shouldn't show it. Why? It'll only hurt you further.
Haven't been blogging that much due to the on and off fever. I feel so sick whenever I'm at home. The environment, the people, the food and maybe the privacy too. It's too disturbing for me. An outing with my aunt will sure ease the situation. But the thing is... I don't want to trouble her too much. She has her family to look after too. Why must I be born into such a family? My dad's getting on my nerves a bit too often. That's the reason why I prefer to just stay in my room. Home is the last place I wanna be in...

was khai there?

2007-02-22T17:35:00.000+08:00

he was standing there... he smiled and was droppin hints at me. all those while he nv took his eyes off me. so many nites i dreamt of being in his arms. and when the dae finally came... i ran. ran away from wat i always wanted. kept tellin myself he was my past. how foolish can i get? i'm still scared. scared of luv, scared of uncertainties. these are the daes where i wld juz luv to shun everyone else. but the truth is i wld luv it if someone was to at least drop me a msg sayin tat everythin's gonna be fine. juz breathe and hope. there's no other way to correct the situation rite?

4 more daes

2007-02-09T12:51:00.000+08:00

externally i'm prepared to be a 21 but mentally i still need to continuosly improve myself and forgive, forget and move on even more.
I dun care wat some ppl might say but yah i've buried the old hatchet and continuing the friendship from where I left. Gerl, you noe who you are. I'm real sorry for those ugly words I used against you. i feel at peace when i noe i hate no one (except for my daddy's side) and hold no grudges (other than those against my paternal granny). tis is the new nadzi i'm seeing after all those crying. i'm gonna try my very best to get in contact wif my ex best frend shahirah. but for now I'll take small steps towards mendin the broken frendship wif tat someone who i used to be so close wif.

am still tinkin of khai

2007-02-06T01:51:00.000+08:00

my main aim now is to avoid as many people as possible. i need space and time to rejuvenate. all the crying and locking myself in the room for the past 2 days has taken me into a different perspective. keep those that harm you far and away.
there are few that i trust and fewer that i run to. even the closest to you is not always the best to share secrets with. i'm looking forward to that secret getaway but for now let's settle all those that's been bothering me too much first. get over and done with it by this weekend.
i'm not looking for love but companionship.

sentosa!!!

2007-02-03T00:22:00.000+08:00

a great tirin dae it has been. the whole body seems to be achin. wat can i say? the cam whores went out together to explore vivocity and sentosa. hehehehhe... and and we were checkin out the ferry services to Batam. lol! *winks* i noe u noe rite usha? breakfast we missed, but lunch + ben & jerry's as replacement. and yes i see the diff layers and flavors of ice cream on my tummy. gosh! get yr ass movinlah gerl. its time for spa and anti-cellulite treatment.
and does anyone noes wats the best thing to do at the beach?
ans: open up the classifieds section and call up wicever no. tat seems very appealin to u. wakakakak....

lunch...

the reflection of the cam whores...

delicious traditional kuehs we snacked on

the sun rays, the sea, the ship and the tree branches

it's a by the beach wedding they're settin up!

khai khai where are u?

2007-02-01T21:30:00.000+08:00

i dunnoe why but i really juz wanna get over and done wif watever's happenin now. i keep holdin my head up high and juz walkin past wat hurts me most. there's really loads tat still needs to be settled. let me juz keep it to myself for now...
thansi crysi! for the lil shoppin trips on mondae and todae. it juz helps to keep my mind occupied for a short time period. and boy oh boy... it's real bad for the 2 of us. but wat can we say? we're born to shop ain't tat rite? from tampines to simei to dhoby ghaut (thkfully far east not in our agenda) to city hall. note to self...forget havannahs guy! legs achin for sure. and stayin at home meant packin and also sortin the life out. signed up for the maid agency thingee. so anybody who needs a maid can look for me. lol! its a smt tat mummy wanted me to do coz she says its easy money and she cld help me out too. wateverlah... and seriously the thai players are juz sore loosers lah. but then again the refree also kayu. the lions are still the best!

may look eeeky green and slimy. but tis superb avocado juice has been my friend for breakfast, lunch and dinner

the 2 'innocent' victims whose pockets burnt

and the list of come-lets-try-it-on

Our primary school dream boy...

ViVoinG...

am missin khai

2007-01-29T00:07:00.000+08:00

life's not at its best i guess. there's more than meets the eye. daddy's been hypnotised or smt by his mum. mummy's alwaz the blur queen who bites real painfully. my sis are as ever in their own worlds. and me? i'm forever wantin everythin to be in the rite place. haizz... discontentment hittin me real hard from every angle. ppl tink i'm gettin a real gd break. but little do they noe that tis is more of a torment. its one house without luv and the sense of lost everywhere. i wanna run awae from everythin but i noe it ain't the best solution. i need to fill myself up wif activities to keep my mind busy. tat's the main reason why i need a companion. usha gel... u better get me his no. and place it in a big nice box for my b'dae. wakakkaka! then maybe i'll work smt out for you before valentines dae. and yah if you can't stand me then pave the wae for me to exit yr life. i dun wan another hypocrite or another busybody who noes nth bout me. i noe my mind is complicated to read most of the time, but dun tell me u're blind not to read my body language. geezz... i'm disgusted to noe tat i trusted the wrong person for such a long time. i used to do loads of things to satisfy others but its a all different story now. get in my gd books first then i'll settle yr matters for you. ok am goin back to my job hunting session and btw, i'm lookin for luv. if u tink u got wat it takes then apply. only one entry per person. multiple entries will be disqualified! wakakakak... (the crazy me speakin)

upper bukit timah

2007-01-24T23:58:00.000+08:00

24th Jan
dropped by joo chiat complex wif usha to get some cloth. it was a tough decision to make when u're surrounded with too many choices. but here's the final product (bear in mind tat the skirt is actually supposed to be the cloth on the bag. the actual skirt is yet to be completed for usha)

and yes i finally got to show usha my fav shop anglia. even she admitted tat the 3/4 tops there are of good cuttings and materials. after wic we continued our 'only look dun buy' shopping till we reached the cempedak goreng shop. hehehehe... delicious hot banana and jackfruit fritters, epok-epok to fill our tummies. wats a journey without gd food? and where else can u find such fritters (other than pasar malams)? it's been long since i actually explored tis area near me, am willin to do it over and over again wif tis gerl coz there's so much for us to see. maybe nx time we'll bring sean along yah gerl? and help him look for jamu. lol!

23rd jan
the final episode of La Mujer En El Espejo was so sweet... but it's sad tat the charming face of Juan Alfonso Baptista wun adorn my tv screen from 3.30 to 4.30 every afternoon anymore. haizzz... after wic i made my wae to city hall wif usha gerl. (see gerl, i won the bet, my intuition told me tat he wasn't on shift. true rite?) was a bit sad but my dear gerl alwaz makes my dae. a chocolate affair at the esplanade it was thou my throat was killin me. it was juz too tuff to resist such gd choc.

choc truffle wif fruit salad and vanilla ice cream and hot milky choc we had. uuummmm... Delicious! took a bus to bukit timah shoppin centre there after. dun ask why we were there. but it was a long (1 and a half hr) and interestin journey. there were really loads to share (you noe i noe aite gerl) and the scenery was so us at tat point of time. frankly speakin, i wanna do such crazy thing again. it was juz nice to feel tat u're somewhere u dunnoe and standin at a location where most will juz drive past.

and we continued our journey down to town. there were so many pretty things to see and touch but will burn yr pocket if u were to get one. lol! sadly thou we arrived at 9+ and almost all the shops were closin.
on our wae back, my dear gd frend told me tat there's tis cute guy behind me. and being the ever curious me, as expected, i turned to look at him. i tink he thot tat i like him or smt and so he smiled at me. gosh.... *slaps my face 3 times instead of usha's* all thru the train journey from orchard till city hall, he kept lookin and smilin at me. -_-" and tats not the end; when we arrived at city hall, i forced usha to take the train from the other end to avoid tis so called cute guy. and to my surprise, the guy who luvs to stare at me in class, who's married, was juz a few seats awae from me. gosh!!! wat rotten luck. he too was smilin and takin sneak peaks at me. home 'sweet' home indeed...

sick at home

2007-01-23T01:37:00.000+08:00

too much good food containing MSG from thursday to saturday = high fever + flu + throat sux big time -> all activities for sunday and monday being cancelled and porridge as breakfast, lunch and dinner -_-"

shoppin!!!

2007-01-20T23:51:00.000+08:00

20th Jan
am watching one tree hill rite now. but nah... tats no reason to stop me from bloggin. tmr's supposed to be my ex-bestfrend's b'dae. it used to be fun and juz us wif all the laughings and cryings. tat was how it used to be. But Sha, Happy 21st! speakin of wic i went shoppin todae. hehehehe... wif usha dear tat is. went for the mng sale at river view hotel. my oh my... it was supposed to be a less than 1 hour affair for a small place like tat but it turned out more. a new top to add to my collection for now. smt we really needed to do anyway and had to giv city hall a miss considerin the time and weather. sadded but tat's the real situation. another perfect time maybe. and my body ain't at its best rite now. it has got tis bubbles internal effect. and i cldn't sleep nor eat tat well lately. maybe it's coz my fav granny's sick or even the aftermath of bloody calculus. the curse for skippin classes. lol! and i cldn't help frightenin myself tinkin tat i'll die mysteriously in my slp. i really tried not to fall asleep. God...
19th Jan
has anybody ever told you how hard it is for 2 shopperholics to stop shoppin? well, it's a question wif many answers. hehehehhe... wokeup 15mins before we were supposed to meet. juz imagine the state of shock i was at tat time. alwaz set the alarm clock to a time u wld wake up to. understand nadzi!?! but yah eastpt it was at first. where we got our hair done. juz some reshaping and the lady who washed my hair juz added more reasons for me to smile. she said i was very pretty especially wif these big beautiful eyes. Oh God I'm so grateful for being born perfect. and then off to bugis where we walked one rnd ard bugis junction juz to find Maybank. crysi i'm so sorry for troublin you gerl. and then roasted chicken noodles at banquet. gosh! i missed tat place and also the noodles. it used to be a weekly thing for me and crysi but yah i guess times hav changed. wif the tummy filled, it was finally down to shopping. dun ask wat was bought. it wasn't much of a damage but yah we need a job real fast. wakakakak... coz nx week's vivocity where the pocket will burn even more badly. hani... we'll wear a hat if we hav to juz for you yah... but i really love shopping! and i luv the gerl who accompanied me too ; > and it was the start of the Muslim's new year yst. finally there was a family only gathering for prayers. there were juz too much in my mind while i was performin my prayers. the tears of regret and fear. the pain of turnin back and being reminded of the ugly path. I seek solace and forgiveness from the Almighty One. God... I'm praying for better days ahead. wif challenges tat'll keep me goin forward in life and wif ppl tat'll luv and cherish me well.
18th Jan
the dae where i cld finally let go of all my frustration. did a last min revision kinda thing at usha's place. hav to admit the past exam paper helped a wee too little. you shld see all the disappointed faces of everyone comin out of the examination hall. especially the gerls singin to the phrases 'i tink i'm gonna fail'. nah forget it... watever's done cannot be undone. my granpa's fav phrase. and off for a latenite dinner at tekkha after tat wif usha, suraya and sashi. cld u believe it i ate like a cow in front of sashi?! alamak i juz hope he informs no one of tat fact. i juz needed gd company and great food in order to eat well. and i found out tat the guy tat luvs to stare and smile at me in class.... he's married! usha's best question, so how many kids does he has? wakakakak... arrived back home ard 12.45 am. so no choice, had to climb in thru the windows again. gonna miss doin tis real soon. shiftin house by june.

i need cash!!!

2007-01-17T13:55:00.000+08:00

gosh... why is everyone leavin the options for me to select. -_-" almost everyone is tellin me how to celebrate my 21st but hello!!! wif so many choices to make wic ones am i suppose to eliminate? nvm tat am still tinkin bout the new hairdo thingee. still browsin thru and still lost and not found. and yes yes the house is sold but yet to sign the lawyer's papers. am so xcited suddenly coz there'll be so many changes finally. thou am gonna miss loads of things here and there. and not forgettin tat i hav to go thru all the hassle of plannin and packin soon. and yes more decisions to be made abt tis shiftin house issue. the colour of the wall, the layout, the wat to buy, where to shop and best part wic area will suit everyone needs. and i hate calculus lah! it sucks big time and i tink i'm gonna screw the major paper tmr. am so tired practisin stupid questions. and yes yes my aunt was like eh go for a photo shootlah for yr 21st. wif or without yr frends coz it's a pic of u on yr 21st. wakakakak... she was showin me hers wic looks so goodlah. tats another option to consider. should i or shl i not? any sponsors out there? and i need to buy loads of stuffs. my God bro sent me an email of the list of things tat he tinks i need to change and one of them happened to be my appearance. he was sayin smt like go for smt more you and wild. send me the cashlah then i'll for sure change my dressin... like crystal puts it... 'I don't exactly have a money tree growing out in my backyard' well i dun hav a money printin machine in my house either but i do hav a personal atm. wakakakakka... no other than my parents and my 2nd sis. shall see to every matter the slow wae wif a nadzi's touch...

formula one in sgp nx year!

2007-01-15T14:55:00.000+08:00

saw dali on TODAY's paper. lol! tat old pic of her when she looked so innocent. but wat perks me up most was the fact tat Formula 1 will finally head down to sgp nx year! it was wooohooo.... till i suddenly remembered tat i may hav flown off to perth by tat time. *sobs sobs* was so xcitedlah, wanted to be one of the pioneers there and was hopin for michael schumacher to be there at the openin ceremony as well. haizzz... am supposed to be studyin, instead am starin at tis nice tea pouch from Isetan's advertisement. the mosaics kinda design looks sweet on it. and yah overheard my aunt plannin for tis private BBQ nx mth on the 11th. wakakak... one dae before my big dae. there's so much i need to do before then, but yah first up the bloody exam, then comes the interviews, and *keepin my fingers crossed* packin if the agent returns wif a good price, and need to get the hair done too (cut short or juz a trim?) and ......
sent my dear God bro off yst. no more late nite hot chocs and gigglins. no more lame excuses for not doin smt and sadly we had to make a miss goin for go-cartin due to the wet weather. but yah it was a well spent short period of time tat i'll treasure loads...

disasters in indon

2007-01-14T03:20:00.000+08:00

13th jan
has anybody realise how one by one disasters surfaced and more innocent lives spared? it comes in a sequel indeed and as i've said before in one of my postings, smt real bad is abt to take place. tat smt bad is yet to take place but tales and signs of it are already showin. was cryin as i was watchin the indon news. ppl fightin for food, more dead bodies found, ppl still missin, planes crashin, ships sinkin, floods, mudslides...
tonite i pray to God to protect the innocents from disasters and bless us all wif happiness and strength. 2007 has indeed started off on a bad note but plez do hav mercy on Yr humble servants. we are never perfect as You are nor are we as mighty as You are. we may hav drifted from Your path every now and then but still from You we came and to You we shall return...

spent the dae studyin wif usha. a wet dae as it was. headed off to marine parade lib where we cldn't help peepin thru the trees and pillars to the sight of the waitress servin food glorious food. the food lovers deprived off their basic indulgence. as expected, a slice of choc trufle wif mocha delight and hot chocolate it was. lol! and usha came up wif a brilliant idea, she exchanged her indian currency to sgp money. wakakakak... when in need of cash, consider all possible sources. accompanied her for the threadin services wic sure hurt badly. and home as it is now. sadly i missed the IKEA invitation from my fav aunt. *sobs sobs*

12th jan
finally attended class after skippin it for a long period of time. understood most of wat 'uncle david' was sayin after all the pbl method of self revision. after wic usha and me went for a short cruisin. we sang at the top of our voices, we luffed, we shared so much and crap even more but the rainy weather cldn't lie our hearts content. there was tis sudden stab in the heart. am bleedin bloodlessly. nobody cld see it except for the owner herself. it was a mixture of uncertainty, the need for assurance, the emptiness of loneliness, the hurt of being defeated, the pain of jealousy. no it's not changes, it's juz me. i cannot differentiate wat has passed and wat i desire. usha gerl... if u're readin tis, plez be strong not only for yrself but for me too. i'm startin to doubt the existence of pure luv without pain and jealousy.
again she juz cuddle her legs tightly and rock the body aimlessly. she's scared but not lost, she's lonely and nobody noes wat's written inside...

IKEA tampines

2007-01-09T23:08:00.000+08:00

IKEA as it was for the 2 of us on a wet tuesdae mornin...

branch was first on the list topped wif a sinful indulgence...
then round and round IKEA and Courts we went. nx shoppin destination was eastpoint. round and round we went again (some tryin of clothes here and there and shoes and touchin 'please do not touch' things and knockin on 'please do not knock on these glasses' glasses at pet safari, the miss & mr tiny or small and miss notty) crysi you noe i noelah wat we did. after wic we settled for the 'ultimate meal' at KFC. wakakak... indeed ultimate -_-" and off to TM after tat. the fake bling bling, the dog bone bolster everyone was carryin ard, the 50% off esprit handbag, the grown up pollypockets, the cacat lookin my little pony, the cannot find strawberry shortcake, the closin time for montip and most of the other shops. the dumbest part of wic i enjoyed most was searchin for someone on frendster super late at nite till the wee hours. crysi thansi so much for stayin up to ease the search. sadly thou, he wasn't found. and the smart gerl correctly interpreted my msn nic;
I noe wat and who i'm lookin for now...
juz need to device the rite plan at the rite time.
(city hall yah gerl? tats when the exam is finally over.)
ps - usha and crysi thansi loads for the presents. they're really nice!

strange dreams & JS b'dae

2007-01-06T23:45:00.000+08:00

gosh... i've been havin strange dreams. it includes almost everybody i knew. cld tis be a gd or bad sign? the right eye twitchin has stopped and now the series of strange dreams hav started. nvm tat... other than the continuous cal B self revision and assignments, i've been in deep thots of the things i really wanna do, of the boundaries tats blockin my path and of matters tat are not within my control. who hasn't dreamt of a life fully fulfilled?
aniwae, spent the dae out wif cut short angels. was late by 35mins and crysi late by 50mins. lol! the typical us... poor patient chris. and so city hall was where we started. first to print the photos then to ya kun kaya toast then off to orchard to get crysi her shorts (wic later had laksa spots) and also JS b'dae card. and then back to city hall to collect the pix and down to havannah's to get the sandals as present. saw Khai there and i bet he remembered me somehow or rather. he still looks the same and yah dun wanna reveal the shy shy past to the whole world. shall keep those secrets to myself and those tat knew. we later sat down at the polar cafe wic served iced chocolate tat tasted more like iced milo. there we did the card and the ribbon. and yes i sometimes ponder why as a woman i luv to hurt my feet by wearin nice uncomfortable shoes?

us...

crystal signin autographs...

chris... adjustin the eyeballs

the b'dae card...

the 21st cake as it is...

saddam hanged on 30th dec 2006

2007-01-04T06:30:00.000+08:00

am still angry over saddam's hangin. wat diff does it bring to hang or not to hang someone who did some wrongs in the past and now he's speakin truth of the ugly side of the bush administration? fucked up bush muz hav gotten too scared i bet so he thot tat killin someone who noes a lot will help. america, if u hav forgotten was the one who gav saddam the authority to use weapons of mass destruction for its own defence. they even supplied the weapons to saddam. and the main purpose of the war against iraq at first was due to WMD. then bush shifted the attention to the fallin oil prices (and even blew up a few of the oil rigs) before finally goin back to saddam's massacre history. tell me now... wat the hell is tat fuckin bush tryin to do? revenge is the perfect word rite? i bet his main aim of becomin a president was to bring down those ppl who cld outrun him.
and the other fucked-up guy wld be tis PM maliki of iraq. juz like the other suni assholes lah. juz bcoz he belonged to the majority gp, he tink he's right to make decisions without the president's approval.
there's tis thing tat when u disturb a normal life cycle, u'll disturb those related directly or indirectly. in tis case, wif bush interference in other country's political affair, has caused an unbalanced state of iraq. saddam was a tyrant but still the no. of lives spared were far lesser than those tat the american soldiers hav brutally murdered. more bombings are takin place, leadin to more innocent lives lost. when will tis end? nv i can say. bcoz a disturbed cycle cannot be reversed. wat's gone cannot be replaced like before.
i really do hope tat north korea will stand strong wif its WMD. dun giv in to the bloody bush administration tat had killed more than saddam did and those supporters who are blinded by the past facts and manipulated by bush's sweet and empty promises. may God close all doors of repent for someone like Bush, the murderer of a million hearts, the cause of million sorrows and the start of all religious wars...

first entry for 2007

2007-01-03T01:36:00.000+08:00

2nd jan
am back from JB. started the year off on a bad note. smt muz be real wrong somewhere. maybe it was due to those extra beings stayin at granny's place. daddy told me tat we cld only get rid of them if granny permits. i still dun quite understand why granny wanna let them share the house. i mean they steal money, they scare us at times and they pretty much bring bad luck to everyone. haizz... a few times i had to tell them off, not to disturb me. stubborn beings! thk God daddy got my dog's eyes closed or else i wld hav seen the whole family of them. so yah, after everyone left, only granny and grandpa remained in tat 2 storey house wif the xtra beings.

1st jan
met up wif an accident at granny's place. was pretty sure i saw someone unfamiliar lookin out from the window on the second storey. was so concentrated on tat tat i accidentally stepped hard on the accelerator instead of the brake and ramped into the pillar. headlights, battery water and bumper of grandpa's car gone case. but yah... nobody got angry instead loads offered to help wif the billing. they knew tat the house holds loads of mysteries unsolved. wat worried me most was when granny came home in a rush after the accident coz she was all worried abt me. it juz showed how much she dotes on me. and worst, all the worries ended up in a fever for her. pitiful granny... not forgettin tat while i was helpin wif the post hari raya cleanin on the 1st lvl, i heard laughters and runnin of lil kids upstairs. the scary part was tat there was NO ONE upstairs. and my lil cuzzies and sis heard ppl walkin towards them but there was no one else in the room wif them.

31st dec
watched the final half of heart the indon movie. it's real sweet. a test of frendship and luv. i wld hav chosen friendship over luv too for without yr close frend, luv is a bigger problem to be solved. and they say yr best frend is a mirror of yrself. ariff... i wan the full version. maybe will get them from my aunts instead who cldn't stopped playin bingo, heartattack, stress and uno wif us. made us luff our heads off and enjoy life to the max. so diff from my parents. haiz... the diff upbringin do affect the later part of yr years. told myself not to cry over tis again. but other than the joy of havin all 23 of them sleepin over at granny's place, the chocolate fondue was the other attraction. excited lil ones dippin watever food they cld grab (they even tested it wif wholemeal bread and marie's hard biscuits. no comments!) so impatient tat even b4 the whole fountain cld flow nicely, they already started dippin -_-"

it was my first time watchin cows being slaughtered too. was pretty scared at first but ended up gettin up close wif the cows and watchin every little actions. wasn't tat scary and gruesome after all. unlike some ppl (refuse to name them as it cld reduce the pride of a man. lol!), they ended up vegetarian for the dae or shall i say week. heheheheh.... (ps- not for the faint-hearted)

and tats not the only first... it was the first hari raya mornin without daddy. he had to attend to his side of the family. we refused to be there coz we noe how tense the situation is and and coz we juz dun wanna add more sparks to the fire. no use gettin yrself all worked up over such beings.

30th dec
the utmost thing i cld remember other than shoppin was the super loud screams. why u ask? it's a story of a big fire. u see the mothers confederation were all preparin for the big dae tmr. they left my pitiful grandpa to look after the fire and charcoal in the back garden. everythin was well till grandpa went to answer nature's call and so then the kids all started screamin from the 2nd storey. coz the trees surroundin tat lil fire were all in flames and so was part of the roof. thk God everyone was quick to react.

last entry for 2006

2006-12-30T10:34:00.000+08:00

29th dec
a brand new year approachin and my resolutions all set to be fulfilled. tis'll be the last entry for 2006. usha's flyin off to india todae. am gonna miss droppin by her place every now and then. but nah... she'll be back by 8th jan 2007. hope she gets me smt nice and yes plez do hav a safe trip to and fro, enjoy yrself and drown those sorrows and worries u hav in one of those indian rivers yah. come back fresh to start anew. am halfwae thru packin rite now. headin down to granny's place in JB tonite to celebrate hari raya tis sundae. gonna miss the IKEA invitation by crysi. maybe some other time yah gerl...
A glimpse of my resolution

try as much as possible not to race anymore (consequences are far too scary to tink abt)
build up on my bank acc for aussie trip
score at least 5 distinctions (wic i really hav to work my ass off)
weight every cons and pros before takin actions
and so on and on...

27th dec
went shoppin wif mummy again! tis time rnd we headed to sim lim and tekkha. she was searchin for an mp3 and LCD tv but the offers didn't look too good so yah we bought anglia tops instead. mummy paid for it so i took 2 pieces, one for the upcomin hari raya and the other for an upcomin weddin. all smiles after the great dae out shoppin.

25th dec
started the dae off super early in the mornin... heheheh. didn't get a wink for the nite and sneaked out of the house at 1+ to meet my cut short angels and JS. it was one short and sweet christmas reunion spent at changi village, wif pratas, sup tulang, milodhinos, laughters and smiles. it's been long since the 4 of us did tis and oh boy... there were loads of updates bout our republicans. and yes i was saved by 3 mins. daddy came in at 5am to wake me up for fastin. lol! only God noes how fast my heart was beatin.
and later tat mornin, went off to the new IKEA and Courts wif mummy for shoppin. had a lot of catchin up done. thou we dun tend to share common sentiments on numerous issues.
hav to comment tat the buildin layout sucks. it's funny havin to move all the wae up to the 3rd storey to start yr shoppin experience.
after wic broke my fast at my aunt's place durin the christmas gatherin. my most fav were the smoked turkey salami and log cakes and presents from 'someone'.

24th dec
10 years ago, on tis very date, at ard 6+ in the mornin, there was a flock of crows rite outside the windows. i didn't noe why till i came back from skul to be informed tat my great grandma passed awae. i still miss her loads for she was the other most important woman in my life other than my granny. the daes where i used to irritate and scream at her are still fresh in my mind. everytime i remember her, i'll say a lil prayer for God to secure her place in heaven.
moyang...
thou ten years hav passed, yr smiles, yr laughters, yr soothin words are still fresh in our minds. we'll nv stop luvin and prayin for you.
~rest in peace~

23rd dec
crysi's back finally. chris thks for the sms. more last min christmas shoppin.

God forgive me...

2006-12-24T09:48:00.000+08:00

22nd dec
a few more daes before christmas and new year and of course crysi's comin back tmr. real smt to look forward to. also it keeps me occupied. usha dear... thansi so much for goin to the sale wif me. might be comin back for more of those mng tops. and the chocolate fondue treat at the esplanade. it was real good and soooo romantic. wakakakka. plus todae, i've lost count at the no. of times i skipped class.

the metal sculptures at the esplanade

21st dec
went to get my bloody passport done. 2 hours long wait. but at least it is more efficient than some other customer service counters. and after tat headed off to TM to watch charlotte's web wif the lil ones. it was so sweet leavin me in tears at the end. hehehe... *nadzi slaps her face and wake up to realise she's turnin 21 soon. hahaha*

wif the lil hobs - 1 (takin the pic) after the show

cushies from my fav aunt as early christmas prezzies. lol!
20th dec
went for class juz to collect the test papers. our grades were depressin but yah tats the end result of givin up too early. wanted to cry but why shld I rite? i'm at the crossroads once again. there's so much bottled inside tats why i made my wae to usha's place after tat. handin her the papers and she pretty much expected such too. haiz.... bought her orders too since she's so sickly lately maybe due to stress.
19th dec
foster family reunion. it's so good to hav all my God bros and sis under one roof celebratin tis gatherin. it was one filled wif so many stories to tell and of course sumptuous food. i miss everyone so much but yah it was really a wonderful private party only to be attended by those born in the same social class. how long was it since i last had such an event? *muakz muakz* luv u guys!
18th dec
another test screwed. lol! giv up giv up. suraya even skipped the test. see it's a real stupig module wif a cannot be understood lecturer. auto-pilotin for a maths module? hav to admit tat the weather has been real bad. wif the monsoon rain and floodin, i'm havin a hard time doin last min shoppin. usha was sick so yah landed at her place after the test. wic meant tat i skipped class again. lol! did our module selection wic showed tat i had 6 modules to settle nx year while usha only has 4. sadded sadded! but at least tat'll be 11 modules done and 10 more to go for the final year.
16th dec
anybody who sees the state of the house lately will noe how much is missin in tis family. it's filled wif loneliness and hatred. i dun understand daddy anymore. he's a super changed man, not meetin any of my expectations so why shld i meet his anyway? i've said tis over and over again. i tried my best to play my part but he can no longer read me. wat took me 20 years to realise tat i've inherited his stinkin attitude. he place the blame on other ppl but not his problematic attitude. wat a man he has become. and mummy... goner! am runnin and cryin and findin a wae out. sadly... God ain't helpin much.

the only livin thing tat nv stops bloomin in the garden.
15th dec
the shoppin devil released! boy was i glad to head to town wif mok mok. heheheheh.... not much casualties; except for a few tops, dresses, headgears, CDs, presents, BK and i can't remember wat else. everythin tats new or hasn't been worn still has the price tags on them. hated to end the shoppin spree by havin to attend class. but as expected... i wasn't concentratin much. gav up on tat particular stupig module. to hell wif the grades and stuff.

i passed drivin

2006-12-15T14:25:00.000+08:00

14th Dec
the 1st person I called was Daddy then my dear usha (gerl u seemed to be more excited than i was. but thansi thansi muakz muakz). hehehehhe... it's not everydae u pass yr drivin test legally. cldn't contained my excitement and tears at tat moment. of course i didn't forget others like crysi and ariff and a few others. surpisingly i passed thou the rain was pourin so heavily. but its a really Thank God situation! arifufu... thks dear for the comment (and congrats for loads of things tats been happenin in yr life. i noe u noe enufflah). yes i will save the money for my aussie trip instead of buyin a car. i guess it'll go a longer wae. will buy a car in aussie instead tat is if usha decides to work there too wif me.
ok up nx is to build up on my savings and study real smart for the exams. afterall i need loads of distinctions in order to be selected for honours. but in the meantime, i need to do a bit of shoppin for christmas. so money money... come droppin from heaven into my pockets. lol!
and yes cldn't help juz keepin my mouth shut bout tis issue. to the bloody bush... before u meddle wif other country's political situation, i suggest you correct yr attitude and the american state first. it's stinkin pretty badly. you've killed more than saddam had. you've caused more racial tension than the pope did. you've got more ppl hatin you than supportin you. start makin the right decisions before someone ties you to the back of some car and drag you to yr own grave. there's a limit for hatred. even God forgive those tat repent.
13th Dec
usha dear... buck up! no more excuses for not being able to study. u noe we'r smart but the only problem is laziness. dun let it get you ok? so yes i ended up studyin alone in marine parade library. it was quieter than being at home wif the exceptions of the loud thunderin sounds. but the aroma of food being cooked from the cafe on the ground floor was juz too appetizin. sadly, the lib closed at 9pm. so made my wae to parkwae for a short while to settle a few matters before makin my wae home. skippin class and doin self studyin dun sound tat bad afterall. i guess i am yet to adapt to the normal lecture system. am still on the PBL mode.
12th Dec
wat can i say? it was a happy moment continued... heheheh. started the dae early by makin our (as in usha and me) wae to ECP. it took us ard 20mins to walked all the wae there. had a light breakfast at Mac's and started cyclin by 9am. the ass, the thighs hurt. the sweat and the tanned skin. story sharin and picture takins durin our break. the orange swimmin trunk *winkz*. and yes after 2 hours we left for parkwae to get tissue rolls. wakakakak... and took the taxi back to usha's place coz the legs were really aching. must do tis often ok usha?

crystal... when u get back, we shall start out ECP nonsense too.
11th Dec
screwed the test again. but yah tis will be the last coz i desperately need a good pass for the 3rd one nx wk. it'll pull my overall grade up. after wic we (suraya, usha and me) skipped class and went parkwae instead. main objective was to study but ended up eatin at Swensens. hehehhe... and not forgettin disturbin tat small boy waiter. serve ice cream and coleslaw but no spoon. use fork and knife is it? fried mushroom, white chocolate blondie and bread chicken smt to add on to the amount of fats...

and yes it happened tat tis grasshopper, the size of 3/4 of my hand was spotted at daddy's balcony. it had nice spotted legs thou. God noes wat it was lookin for there.

missin him

2006-12-10T15:10:00.000+08:00

almost 2 weeks without my 2 gd frends in class. haiz... it's a sad lonely story but thk God i've got Carol to entertain me. we eat and eat in class and giggle almost every minute and the worst is when we start our 'super clean' jokes. hehehehe... and as expected mummy, daddy and the 2 devils came home early after their short holiday. am pretty sad tat i've missed the fishing, canoeing, water skiing, shopping and rose hunting in pangkor, KL and cameron. haizzz... i pretty hate skul now especially wic tat gund lecturer teachin me Cal B. am gonna giv Bangkok a miss nx wk coz i've got tests (wic i'll certainly screw up again), but will most prob head down to BKK in june wif mummy if she really quits her job. haven started my christmas shoppin for i've been too busy. i need someone to inject some life into me and yes yes maybe donate loads of cash to me also. rofl! okok.. nth much for todae but yah i hav to say i'm missin someone badly. and also to tat other someone, i noe wats goin on in yr mind. i juz refuse to confront u for i tink it'll be much more appropriate if u smack the truth to my face. i noe i wun be able to accept it but who cares. life isn't all abt winnin!

new birki

2006-12-09T06:00:00.000+08:00

finally the notty black one was captured...

and instead of goin out wif usha (coz she's got smt up), headed for TM wif Mok on Tuesdae. it was glorious... hehehehhe. gd food as usual. and yes maybe when crysi's back, we (as in the milodhino and cheese prata chalet team) can head down to BaliThai in TM. the mango and strawberry and yam and coconut jelly was juz uber scrumptious. did a lil lil bit of shoppin, so not much damage done to the wardrobe yet.
and yes yes, when my dearest aunty is ard, she'll treat me out to lunches and breakfasts and dinners. afterall, it's an indulgence compared to the soups and porridge i had to consume from thursday to monday while on sick course.
hav decided to get a new birki from the 2007 collection. am still selectin one nice one. when i've finalised, i'll upload the pic of the chosen one yah...

am i still in luv?

2006-12-05T18:15:00.000+08:00

Gosh.... Here i go rantin again abt almost everythin i bet. screwed up my cal B test. first page looks gd then when the second page was turned... wakakakka.... a whole load of crap. i'm into foolin ard again. tired of focusin and chasin my dreams only. lets see wats planned for tmr wif usha. maybe smt notty but nice. i need to set my mind free. there's too much tats crowdin my up there. i wanna dance to the ode of joy. arifufu the latenite advices were really needed. and i dunnoe why but there's tis funny lil amorous rhythm dancin in my head. tell me its not a him. hhehehehe... especially not tat himlah. he juz can't stop turnin and lookin at me and now he's got me addicted to turnin and checkin whether he's lookin. alamak! smt wrong somewhere herelah. maybe it's the christmas spirit burnin in me. but cld it be tis strong? but then again maybe it's the feelin of lovin someone who's not within yr reach. haiz... one's married and the other is gettin married. 2 stories too late. sadded but tats life. but i can't imagine myself deeply in luv again and in a man's arm. hahahahha.... 2 more tests for nx wk; one on mondae and the other on thurs. i really x100 need to pass the one on thurs or i'll cry like siau ah. it's the key to every cruisin in sgp. need to start on the money plannin ASAP so tat i can head off for aussie in time. keep tellin myself to work damn hard for it and yes i am gonna do tat and enjoy myself at the same time. wats life if it's all abt chasin yr dreams and not pickin yrself up when u fall or even cherishin the lil precious moments in between?

I AM DESPERATE
to bank in cash into my account
to go shop for loads of things
to score at least 10 distinctions
to save up for aussie
to get my [pilot] license
to spell FUN
to let go of all the pain botherin me
to achieve my 5Cs
to walk out of the door and juz party
to find freedom love and peace
to receive presents
to throw the lazy me away
to be more organize
to giv crysi a big hug
to see the brand new me...

lost...

2006-12-03T15:57:00.000+08:00

I've set my goals and path for the future, but i can't stop myself from looking back and juz worryin over and over again abt the consequences of my past actions. i dunnoe when to stop cryin, most importantly... i dunnoe who's there to stop these tears. i'm not strong enuff juz yet and i admit pushin myself off the limits tat even my body cannot resist. i really dun wanna cry anymore but the tears wun stop rollin down my cheeks. God giv me strength....
i dun see myself like how i used to be. so strong tat nth cld come in between me and my dreams. i've let go far too many chances. it's not tat i dun wanna set myself free of all these things holdin me back... but i can't. the consequences are far to great. i'm walkin on thin ice. one wrong step and ....
the overdose on thursdae. i keep askin myself was tat accidental or deliberate? those shiverin, muscle achin, vomittin, eyes blindin and the brain mulfunctionin... tell me it was accidental. tell me i took the panadols every hour and those prescribed lozenges in between bcoz i couldn't stand the pain. tell me it wasn't bcoz i was scared and confused and lost. plez tell me it was really accidental.
no one's lookin out for me other than my close peeps. even my parents hardly cared abt the overdose or even the fact tat i was down wif high fever, vomittin out phlegm wif traces of blood or even the fact tat i was coughin hard enuff tat it hurts my head. nobody cares!!! i'm as gd as dead. i'm chasin my dreams coz it makes me feel like my frends. but deep in my heart i noe i'm lackin of parents. God... where did i go wrong when all these started since i was a baby. it's a past too painful to contain, memories tat rip you off yr happiness.
i wanna scream help in a crowded street. but who's there to listen and pick me up. keep tellin myself cryin wun help.
dzul and suraya, you guys sure did hav a strong influence on me todae tat i actually skipped class. was too drowsy and my health's juz not at its perks. and yah loads happened. i now noe tat if me and tat old woman were in ICUs... my dad will choose her over me and my mum... i dun wanna make guesses. an unhappy 22nd weddin anni indeed.
there's a lil smt lately tat keeps my heart dancin to every beat of the music. i dun wanna set my hopes high. i dun wanna take chances on tis matter. i juz wanna go wif the flow....

things that we regret are not the things we did, but the things we never do...

breaking down

2006-11-26T03:26:00.000+08:00

no matter how much strength u've summoned, failures are still bound to happen. was on the verge of breakin down, therefore i juz walked out halfwae thru my Cal B lesson. arifufu thansi so much for the much needed soothin words. i really dunnoe who to turn to. me usha and su hav not fully recovered from the horrifyin week. we'r still at the edge of breakin down and juz cry. not the perfect time yet to get up. maybe in a few daes after loads of chocs, cookies and ice cream. we still wanna run far far awae. haiz... the after class kfc (su's treat) was one where we sorted our minds out. am gonna draw out my timetable soon. go thru the basics over again from sec txbk and also calculus B txbks from mok. am gonna do loads of practise and of course hav to start on my assignments already. there's more than 10 tat needs to be completed by the 3rd of dec. **sobs sobs** as u can understand now, i'm easily irritated due to the frustration of Cal B. haizz... hav to sort tis maths problem out and push myself to a maybe distinction. maths afterall requires loads of practise rather than juz understandin. i noe success is within grasp, it's juz a matter of preparation and perseverance.
but yah gav susu her prezzie. wakakkaka... u shld see the shock expression on her face coz we left it on her chair. she keeps askin where's the bag for me to carry the prezzie home. lol!

Can i hav flowers and cute teddies for my b'dae too? rofl!!!
and gerl... remember we'r gonna soar to great heights. no success story comes without tears, anger and i'm givin up attitude. we'll strive for the best together...

and todae being a saturdae, i've started my practice and readin up. and it's international day for the elimination of violence against women and children. and the slogan "real man don't hurt" sounds real good. it juz further proves tat if he can't accept you the wae you already are, then he ain't the rite man for you. i agree wif tis phrase in Tabitha'a article -- he doesn't hav to hit you to hurt you. any smart gerl would noe wat tis meant. gonna take a break now after studyin and bloggin. God noes wat plans my dear aunty has prepared for us all todae.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can scar you too....

a mind too bundled

2006-11-24T03:10:00.000+08:00

Never regret your past, for they make you what you are today. Yesterdays were your lessons learnt, thereafter are your strength and hope. No point pretending to be happy and all on your blog when inside you're full of hatred and revenge. forgive, forget and move on I always say and tats wat I've been doin all tis while. My decision to make my blog public was one with too many considerations but afterall wats there for me to hide? a crime? a hideous act? I'll let ppl hav their say for it's their typical wae of life. who hasn't come across selfish or arrogant or self-centred or worst inhuman behaviour? i've met such 'friends', but tats the past. no use condemning them, juz a lil prayer for them to repent is enuff. and no reasons for me saying all tis...

Happy B'dae to Suraya...
Am supposed to be celebratin Susu's B'dae but Ush has got smt up so maybe we'll giv her a lil smt tmr. am also supposed to go out wif mok todae but she's juz got some skul stuff to attend to. so more calculus B homework to be done todae i guess and more watchin of tv and readin 'up all nite' by carmen reid, maybe a bit of MU and of course i hav to clear up my super messy cupboard. buy more boxes i reckon, and pack more clothes in. i wanna go shoppin!!! but the pockets are bruised and burnt...

yst while the lecturer was goin thru the whole long tutorial, i was actually finishin up a whole page of homework. hehehhe.... but surprisingly i was also listenin to his explaination and answerin all his questions. multi-taskin they call it. lol! dunnoe how am i ever gonna get thru tis module. it's real tuff and at the same time borin. maybe it was the famous amos cookies we were havin durin class tat kept me alive and kickin. do i hav a choice to say i dun wanna do tis module? no i dun wic leaves me wif no say. haiz... and the worst was when usha and suraya were talkin abt the 4 marks thingee for the mcq section of last fridae exam again. it's jolly well freaking me out again and again. tinkin abt the wat ifs. crysi i so need you back ASAP and i juz wanna rest tis heavy crowded head on yr shoulders.
my mum's havin a prob keepin her mouth shut too. sometimes i juz feel like slappin the hell out of her but daddy keeps remindin me tat her attitude stinks therefore juz bear wif her. she's juz so diff from my maternal side grannylah and more similar to the old hag in tis house. sometimes i wonder, did my daddy switch parents wif my mum? they're born on the same year afterall, on the same day but diff mths. and once again i shall admit tat I CAN'T WAIT TO GET MY ASS OUT OF TIS HOUSE!
the funniest part of the dae was when me and suraya were on the train on our wae home. we got a gd seat in the empty train but the crowd came along at the very nx station; outram. and there was tis gp of indian men who were standin and one was sittin beside us. gosh.... i almost dieded there and then, stoppin myself from inhalin and vomittin. the smell was POWER! wanted to get up but it was not much of a diff. we were surrounded by them. and su gladly made up the recipe of the smell ..... cigar + a combination of fryin oil tat has been overused + armpit smell + dunnoe how many daes nv shower pungent. lesson learnt, alwaz and nv forget to bring an air refreshener or perfume or deodarant ard wif u, no matter where u go. life is full of surprises. wakakak... i nv long for such fresh air as i got out of the train ever in my life before. tis i will ensure will be the first and last super smelly experience for me...

and not forgettin... all the best for the PSLE students especially my 2 cuzzies. accept wat comes as it's part and parcels of life.
ps - remind me of the same very phrase when my organic biological chemistry exam results are released. i dun wanna end up cryin or faintin or jumpin down some playground slide.

back blogging

2006-11-23T15:45:00.000+08:00

"Ding Dong" the bell rang. Gosh was tat the bell of someone comin for hari raya visitin or or was tat a marriage proposal? Ok am zippin my mouth abt tis issue. dun wanna make it affect any part of my life rite now. maybe in the future i'll talk abt it again. crysi and ariff thansi so much for the super-dee-duperly good advises. really appreciate them to the bits. who ever doesn't believe tat life is a rollercoaster goin up and down super fast then they muz be one darn freak. dun we experience changes almost everydae (except when u're sleepin 3/4 of the dae and wakes up only to shower, eat and watch tv! more like describin the piggy me) and there's been tis kitten (a cat by now coz he's a bit too big a size to be called a kitten). it's pretty much all black and super noisy. always asking for good food in front of the door (my dad doesn't allow it in because 1) it's not toilet trained 2) my 2nd sis is asmathic 3) tat old woman can't stand cats). so yah it sleeps in the garden behind my room. and i call it by my 3rd sis name juz to irritate tat notty gerl. shall take a pic of it soon when it comes asking me for food. well... last mth was pretty much tirin due to all the 'spring' cleanin and chemistry homework. tis mth is a load more than the last. the sneak peaks of yesterdays...

the food galore as you can see for yrself. juz can't stop nibbling... these delicious cakes!

trust me tis ain't the only tub of ice cream i ate for a week...

and tis, well... had bits of the remainders in the fridge.

took tis on nov. 22nd after dinner. God noes wat the lizard was tryin to do wif his time.

on the 15th... after watchin the 3rd sergeants cheered and heard their 'singings' at pasir labah camp, went straight down to swensens to relieve ourselves. earthquake and fries do come in as a gd combo for gainin weight *winks*

the happy usha after goin thru a 'i'm gonna vomit' ordeal and also after pourin in a lil bit too much water onto the dry ice. and and tis was before the unveiling of the new disastrous recipe for an earthquake!

the happy Drs. (pig skins!) and 3rd sergeants on our wae home. wat was tat u wanted for yr b'dae lionel? a hiro chocolate cake?

the short trip back to the gd kampong daes from the 10th to 12th... more like a villa trip. sometimes i wonder can u actually pass down wealth even before the person who's still alive and kickin pass awae? where's the ethics and humanitarian rites here? but i do somehow like the new concept of the house wif exception to the chalets wic are like so ulu and the toilet; judge it for yrself.... (ps - tis is juz a part of it)

Tekkha attack on the 4th. the angels are missin a bit of charlie aren't we? (and of course on other daes too for cheese pratas)

chocolate fondue next?

it's juz funny how we used to slack during UTs in RP and now we're practically workin not only our ass but our whole body out for juz one exam paper. scary isn't it? usha and suraya... we'll brace thru the results together yah? we've worked hard for it so for now all we can do is to pray real hard for at least a credit pass for distinction?... shall consider tat for the other modules yah? cldn't help rememberin the big dae itself on the 17th. we were a bit nervous and worst tears were almost rolling down our cheeks. and the best part was tat macpherson hawker centre had no mamak pratas to calm us down. (sadded..) ribose structures and NaBH4 still lingering in my head.
did a bit of retail therapy the following dae for i felt tat i really needed to rush out of the house and free my troubled mind. and so headed down to city hall wif mok. heheheh.... perlini's silver huh mok... hmmm... and the fossil boutique had somehow blinded me. my pocket's gonna burn real soon... and of course savour the best for the last they say. heheheh... went to delifrance bistro at suntec. and boy oh boy the food was good especially for the dessert. tat was heaven! warm raspberry sauce with cold vanilla ice cream and almond flakes. Oooooo.... but the potato gratin and the other great potatos are greatly missed. shall head down to one of delifrance cafe tmr maybe? wif usha tat is...
speakin of her, went down to her place yst after drivin lesson. bought style mag along the wae and got tat glimmery silver pouch free. heheheh... we're talkin business aren't we gerl? no details shall be revealed now. it's our little secret. pitty yr sick doggie but at least there's still 2 more notty ones to pounce on you. and yah the latest haircut sure does match you the best unless u wan a botak headlah.
now tat the lab reports daes are over, say Hola! to the CalMaeth Tutorial Assignments...

i maybe so full of life now but there's emptiness inside. waitin for crysi to get her ass back here and usha to ask me out for a gerl's dae out...